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  1. Last week
  2. I chinned a feminist today and as she landed on the floor, she screeched "Somebody call the cops!" In other words, 'Get some men to help me!'.
  3. Ever wondered why gluten free foods werent around in the Middle Ages? The Middle Class wasnt invented then!
  4. Following the tragic fire at Notre Dame, offers of help have been pouring in from around the globe, with even Russian President Vladimir Putin saying he is happy to send experts to help restore the cathedral.I just hope it isn't the two murderous Russian "tourists" that he sent to view Salisbury Cathedral, leaving one dead and four people suffering from the after effects of exposure to nerve agents!
  5. Must be awful being in Paris right now..... Surrounded by all those fucking French people!
  6. You know when you see something on telly that makes you crave a particular food.... Cathedral city on toast. Mmm!
  7. I took the missus out last night for a romantic dinner. We played footsie under the table with one another. I had steak and she got toed in the hole.
  8. Gentlemen: Next time your wife gets angry, put a cape on her, and say: "Now you're... Super Angry." She may laugh, or she may not...
  9. A woman went to a doctor, with bumps and bruising all over her body. She complained that her husband had beaten her. The doctor said: "I thought your husband was out of town." She said "So did I..."
  10. As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a hard erection...... "Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.
  11. I believe the bible forbids being ghey yet other Christian beliefs approve it.
  12. I don't really understand why the Catholics hate homosexuality, but it's perfectly fine to fuck alter boys...
  13. Have you noticed how the Catholic church moves Easter every year to the same time as the kids are on holiday?
  15. Wife: "You know, I was a fool when I married you." Husband: "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
  16. A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: " Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking Delta," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Delta?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste." "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks Teste's going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump." "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Delta's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!" "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.." "Oh, really! What'd he say?" He said: "Who messed up your hair?"
  17. A Young woman brought her fiancé home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother told the girl's father to find out about the young man. The father invited the fiancé to his study for a talk. "So, what are your plans?" the father asked the young man. "I am a biblical scholar," he replied "A biblical scholar, hmmm?" the father said. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter?" I will study," the young man replied, "and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asked the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replied, "God will provide for us." "And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiancé. The conversation proceeded like this...and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insisted that God would provide. Later, the mother asked, "How did your talk go, honey?" The father answered, "He's a Labour voter. He has no job, he has no plans, and he thinks I'm God.”
  18. Earlier
  19. Impregnate her properly and she would be screaming and cursing
  20. I should prefer to impregnate her instead of watching a woman screaming and cursing.......
  21. BBC: Meghan Markle to give birth imminently. That's one Royal opening I'd pay good money to see.
  22. As of today ”Upskirting” is now a crime... Before it was more of a hobby.
  23. I only stay with the wife because of my teenage stepdaughter...... If it wasn't for her, I'd get no sex at all!
  24. Heard about the new "Vegan Challenge"? It's for vegans, to see if they can go 24 hours without mentioning they are vegan to anyone.... No one has completed it yet.
  25. It's what passes for sex education in most secondary schools these days. The trouble is that it gives youngsters an unrealistic expectation of how long it takes to get a plumber to visit your home... so much so that these days, any attempt at a story or plot in the films has been abandoned!
  26. I'm not judging, merely stating facts.
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