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  1. Yesterday
  2. The actress who plays Doctor Who, Jodie Whittaker, has revealed that she was once advised to get her top lip waxed at the very start of her acting career. I think that is terrible advice to give to a budding actor..... What if she wanted to play a lesbian?
  3. Dear Mother In Law, Don't teach me how to bring up my children..... I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
  4. Thrush walks into a florist's to buy flowers for his partner. "Are you after anything in particular?" asked the florist, "Yes" says Thrush... "sex... and forgiveness for the fox poo incident!"
  5. Two little boys, one blond, one with brown hair, were arguing over whose parents were the best. The brown-haired kid said: “My father is way better than yours.” The blond kid came back: “Maybe, but my mother is way better than yours.” The brown-haired kid said: “You got me there... that’s what my father says.”
  6. Last week
  7. What do you call an ISIS bride who has just had her British citizenship revoked? Allu Akhbarred.
  8. Mexico should stop importing cocaine for a month.... Then the Americans will be the ones climbing the wall.
  9. Union bosses are blaming Brexit as Honda plans to shut down its Swindon plant in 2022. Swindon's MP Justin Tomlinson insisted the decision was not down to Britain's departure from the EU and Honda are leaving by their own Accord.
  10. A zebra has wondered his whole life whether he was a white zebra with black stripes or a black zebra with white stripes. When he dies and goes to heaven he asks God the question: "Am I a white zebra with black stripes or a black zebra with white stripes?" God responds: "You are what you are" The zebra goes to his friends and tells them what God had said and that he still doesn't know the answer to his question. One of his friends said: "Well, that means you are a white zebra with black stripes, because otherwise God would have said 'You is what you is.'"
  11. Ethel checked into a Motel on her 75th Birthday, she was lonely and a little depressed at her advancing age, so decided to risk an adventure. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages. She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself "Tender Tony"..a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a dime off his well-oiled buns. She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call. "Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?" Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, so she rushed right in, "I hear you give a great massage" I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go at it all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready! Now how does that sound ?" He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
  12. A man was playing golf, and not doing too badly, when he sliced his shot on the 16th hole, and watched it go into the woods. He went looking for it, and found it next to a very small, dazed man who had a large bump on his forehead. "What hit me?" asked the small man. "I'm very sorry," said the golfer. "My golf ball must have hit you. Can I be of any help to you?" "No," replied the small man. "I am a leprechaun, and, since you caught me, I am duty-bound to grant you three wishes." "I couldn't possibly take anything from you," said the golfer, "especially not after injuring you." Having made sure that the leprechaun was alright, the golfer resumed his game. The leprechaun thought to himself: "He's a nice enough chap. I'll grant him three wishes: To play better golf, to have as much money as he needs, and to have as much sex as he can handle." A few years later, the golfer came back, and again sliced his ball into the woods at the 16th hole. He went looking for it, and found the leprechaun waiting for him, holding his golf ball. "Good morning," said the leprechaun. "How's the golf?" "Much better, thank you, apart from that one slice. I'm one of the top players in the country now" "And how are you doing for money?" asked the leprechaun. "It's the strangest thing," replied the golfer. "Every time I need to pay for something, I pull the exact amount out of my pocket. It never fails!" "And how are things with your sex life?" asked the leprechaun. "Oh, that's pretty good. I'm having sex two or three times a week," said the golfer. "Two or three times a week? Is that all?" asked the leprechaun. "Well," said the golfer, "it's not bad for a Catholic priest with a small parish!"
  13. Women and their supporters across the world are demonstrating in favour of stiffer female circumcision laws..... Women, is anything ever stiff enough for you?
  14. Earlier
  15. When dithering over whether or not to give Jeremy Corbyn a chance as Prime Minister, just remember this.... Do we want a country that anyway resembles a Diane Abbott after he's fucked it?
  16. We have to be cautious when we consider the fate of the pregnant teenage Jihadi who now wants to come back from Syria to give birth...... Do we use special forces to call in a precision air strike or just bomb the general area?
  17. I reckon the cashiers at Aldi are told to imagine every item is a grenade.
  18. My friend Andy is in so much trouble. For Valentines, his girlfriend said to go out and get something, that would make her look sexy. So he went out... and came back drunk!
  19. According to a study, the average millennial has sex twice a week. Or more, if they’re struggling to pay the rent they owe me!
  20. Tearful father of pregnant IS girl, has said his daughter has made a mistake, should be forgiven and allowed home..... We had an arranged marriage for her, and need to do the honour killing ourselves!
  21. The missus told me she really hopes Subway offer free subways on Valentines day... "Why" I asked "You normally complain when I try to put 6 inches down your throat"
  22. Excuse my rant but I'm absolutely fuming...... My son got sent home from school yesterday. He has been suspended for running around the girls toilets waving his willy around. Idiotic yes but it seems he had done it for a bet. Suspension seemed to be a bit harsh, so I rang the headmaster to explain that it was just a bit of tomfoolery gone too far. However, he was having none of it and has stuck by the suspension. Getting a bit peeved, I asked the head if he would rather have him thieving and smashing the school up like others I could mention. "No", he said, "I would rather have him teaching the year 5 Geography class that he is employed to do"...........
  23. I don't know if you are adding more to your MI5 files
  24. I can also say nice things about her. She is very fit and I liked her bigger tits when she was pregnant.
  25. MI 5 might see what you said differently, shall we tell them about your derogatory words about the duchess parental skills?
  26. Why? She's not a proper royal like her gracious majesty Queen Elizabeth.
  27. See ya in the Tower of London pretty soon....
  28. ‘I was very naive as a new parent': Duchess of Cambridge reveals her self-doubts..... It was so difficult, especially when the third Nanny was sick.
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