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  1. Today
  2. Just spent the last half hour looking for that fucking thing that peels the potatoes and the carrots..... Then I remembered shes fucked off round her mothers for a few hours.
  3. Plans to put Margaret Thatcher on the new £50 note, came under fire from several Liverpool MPs as she is so unpopular there. Their argument fell flat, when it was pointed out that nobody in Liverpool would probably ever get to see one.
  4. We lost all the vowels from our Scrabble set..... So I sold it on eBay as a Scouse edition.
  5. Yesterday
  6. Maddie McCann fund 'conman' found dead. I'll bet Kate will miss Gerry more than Maddie!
  7. I can read my missus like a newspaper..... There's a new issue every fucking day!
  8. First rule of Fight Club: Never hold it at a Saudi Arabian embassy!
  9. The missus asked me what Rohypnol was. "Ask your sister. " I said, "on second thoughts, don't bother, she won't remember anyway!"
  10. Having a wife or girlfriend is just a prostitute you pay for on finance.
  11. Which one? there's a few.
  12. Last week
  13. I've been working hard all day making meals for lowlifes, drunks, druggies, nutters, scroungers and beggars. No it's not the Salvation Army.... I'm a chef at a Liverpool Wetherspoons!
  14. Finally found something today that the missus looks good in... The distance!
  15. I called my boss this morning and said, "I'm not coming into work today." "Why not?" he asked. I said, "The missus is throwing up in bed and she hasn't ironed my uniform." "That's no excuse," he shouted. I said, "I know, but try telling her that!"
  16. My missus said to me on our 30th wedding anniversary, "I'd sure like you to do what you did on our wedding day. " "I won't be able to, " I replied, "that bridesmaid died last year."
  17. How many socialists does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they expect you to pay for an electrician to do it for them!
  18. A bestialist, a sadist, a murderer, a necrophiliac, a pyromaniac and a masochist are sat in the dayroom of Broadmoor Hospital. The bestialist says "Let's catch a cat and rape it!" The sadist says "Then we'll torture it!" The murderer says "Then we'll kill it!" The necrophiliac says "Then we'll fuck it again!" The pyromaniac adds "Then we'll set it on fire!" There's a moment of silence and they all turn to look at the masochist, he replies "Miaow?"
  19. It's been great with Greg James, so much better than Grimmy not that it could get any worse. Scott Mills is also excellent. The rest of them are shite.
  20. I listened to radio one breakfast this morning for the first time in years since that spunk gargling thundercunt Grimshaw has gone.
  21. The missus listens to radio Cumbria and there's one particular guy with an annoying voice, I think he's on in the mornings. I want to smash the radio up whenever I hear his voice. Anyway, all the cool kids (like me) listen to Radio 1.
  22. Now she is nice. But she's on the radio. You can't watch radio.
  23. Ian Timms on the late show and Gordon Swindlehurst on the lunch time show are quite witty.
  24. She doesn't work for Radio Cumbria, she just supplies the weather forecasts! Radio Cumbria presenters are no worse than any other radio presenters - but previous Cumbria presenters include Richard Hammond, Richard Madely, Helen Skelton and Laura Bicker, who does news reporting from the US and beyond on BBC TV now. There is also Sara Dumbell... who reads the news or something!
  25. I can't stand the presenters on radio Cumbria!
  26. You don't know what your missing!
  27. I don't listen to or watch either of those.
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