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  1. Today
  2. When your neighbour sees you washing your car and says, "Haha, you can do mine next" tell him to do it himself as it's bad enough you have to shag his wife for him.
  3. Last week
  4. No, the golden dildo
  5. In the men's World Cup, the best player wins the golden ball. Does that mean that at the women's World Cup, they win the golden vag?
  6. Whilst the other Tory Leadership candidates all tore into Boris Johnson for not taking part in the TV debate, they were all thinking the same thing...... Whose wife is he fucking!
  7. A Russian spy, an IRA supporter and a racist walk into a pub. The barman says "What can I get you Mr Corbyn?"
  8. Shagging the wife, I asked her to moan for me. "Sure," she grinned. "Put those fucking shelves up." I glanced down and thought "yep, they'd probably fit."
  9. Donald Trump misunderstood his senior advisor when he told him Prince Charles was considered a big fish in the royal family!
  10. The missus was invited to her friend's 'Gender Reveal' party the other day and seemed puzzled as to why I wanted to go with her. I realised my mistake when I was the only one pulling my underwear down!
  11. It looks like Boris may become prime minister after storming the first round of voting. I would just like to say to our American cousins who voted in Trump. Anything you can do, we can do better!
  12. I've just bumped into Jo Brand in the street, "Please no, please please no, " I begged, "not your act, please, just throw some battery acid in my face!"
  13. Why aren't TV's voice activated? Like when you put a Liverpool game on and instead of searching the planet for the remote, you should just be able to shout, "Turn that fucking shit off. "
  14. New series starting soon on BBC1: Great Bus Journeys With Nick Knowles.
  15. If Uber do manage to get their Air taxi service off the ground, a lot more women will be joining the mile high club, probably most of them against their will.
  16. Earlier
  17. So the women have been called off the pitch because of the rain in the world cup.... Don't worry, they will be back on once they have got the washing off the line!
  18. "If yes is the answer, what is the question?" asked the missus with a twinkle in her eye. "I know this, " I answered, "does my arse look big in this?"
  19. No, I'm a blonde. You can ask GND about it
  20. Oh right, you dye your hair as well?
  21. Only for Brazilian shemales
  22. And it's working.
  23. Yep, and you try to hide your grey hair....
  24. Some of us like having hair on our scalps.
  25. Now you sound like a Jock....You are living toooooooooooo close to them.
  26. Mug! Nick a pair of clippers and never pay for a haircut ever again.
  27. Thought I saw the first ever scouser super hero today, he was running down our street wearing a cape.... Turns out he hadn't paid for his haircut!
  28. I would imagine the commentators at the women's world cup worst nightmare would be one of the girls getting a nasty gash at the top of her legs.
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