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  1. Yesterday
  2. I think it might be 3 now mate, had to give up on it as I missed on in the subtitled bits but it was v.good. Based on a book by the same author that wrote do androids dream of electric sheep which was later made as blade runner
  3. Last week
  4. It sounds like the TV series Amerika, the Soviet Union has detonated nukes in the atmosphere above the US and due to the EMP, the US is forced to surrender to the Soviets
  5. Yeah, Germany wins world war 2 and America gets annexed between Germany and Japan. It's really good, there's been 2 series.
  6. The man in the high castle?
  7. I watched it, it was an interesting concept, a bit like the man in the high castle.
  8. They are showing this TV series here. Have you watched it? It reminds me of the movie Fatherland, a movie with Rutger Hauer.
  9. I got home pissed again last night. "What's your excuse this time?" demanded my wife. "I was drowning my sorrows," I slurred. "because I'm a manual labourer, living on a run-down Liverpool council estate, with no hope and nothing to live for." "Right," she said. "You're sleeping on the sofa tonight." Great. Another night in the front garden!
  10. Leading causes of death, by ethnicity: Americans - Heart disease. Africans - Diarrhoeal disease. Asians - Cancer. British - Falling from hotel balconies whilst on holiday in Spain.
  11. My son finally had enough of me constantly humiliating him for being gay and taking ballet. He said, "You're such a hypocrite, you even had a boyfriend yourself for 2 years !" "Prison doesn't count."
  12. Women hate sexist, judgemental, mysoginistic men apparently... Maybe that's why most of them on dating sites need a 6ft guy with muscles and lots of money...you know, to protect them from those kinds.
  13. An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.'Fucking get in there you cunt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar. 'Get the fucking manager of this pigs shit middle class wankhole please you cunt', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says'Yes you can you fat piece of shit, I saw your poxy advert in the cunting window and I'm here to audition.....wanker.'The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?' 'That song, you big nosed twat, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I just jizzed in your daughter's eye, and now the cunts blind...''Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little less "lively".'Wanker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title. 'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the shitbox you get crap on your bell end.''I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?' 'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your ringpiece", or there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs".'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.''Fuck it' says the pianist 'Why not'.On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being perceived as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act. After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him. 'Hi' she says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your cock is hanging out of your trousers, and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?''Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently, 'I fucking wrote it!!!
  14. What’s the difference between a snarling Rottweiler biting your leg to the bone and my wife complaining about me chatting up the barmaid at our local? The Rottweiler will eventually let it go.
  15. The wife burst in on me having sex "How could you do this to me with my sister?!" I said "It's not what it looks like!" She said "How the fuck isn't it?!" I said "It's actually your mother in a school uniform".
  16. Earlier
  17. Aldi might be cheaper, but at least Tescos don't use false advertising in their commercials..... A lesbian couple that doesn't include a butch dyke with a face like a bulldog licking piss off a thistle? Bollocks.
  18. While watching the Sydney stabbing frenzy, did you notice all of the strong, independent, fearless, females stepping up and putting their lives on the line to help stop the knife wielding maniac? No. Me neither.
  19. Been there, done that.
  20. Save petrol by visiting Whitehaven instead.
  21. Experience life living in the slums by visiting Liverpool for the day!
  22. I was chatting to a pretty blonde in the pub, "Would you sleep with me if I offered you two million pounds?" She thought for a moment and said, "Yes, I suppose I would." "How about for twenty quid?" I asked "What kind of woman do you think I am?" she snarled. "We've already established that," I replied, "now we're just haggling over the price!"
  23. A guy walks into a bar . He orders a rum and coke and the barman hands him a Apple. I wanted a rum and coke said the man. Bar man replies 'try it' The guy tries the apple and says god, that tastes like rum . The Barman says 'turn it around' The guy takes a bite and it tastes like coke and then says god, that really good. . A Second guy walks into a bar . He orders a gin and tonic and the barman hands him a Apple. I wanted a gin and tonic said the man. Bar man replies 'try it' The guy tries the apple and says god, that tastes like gin . The Barman says 'turn it around' The guy takes a bite and it tastes like tonic and then says god, that really good. A dwarf walks into a bar The two men tell the dwarf that the barman has an apple for every flavour possible. . Really says the dwarf. After a little thought, being clever the dwarf ask for an apple that tastes like pussy . The barman hands him a Apple. Surprised, the dwarf takes a large bite out of the apple As soon as he tastes the flavour, he spites the out apple and says, god, that Tastes like shit. The barman replies, 'Turn it around'
  24. Call J Saville casting for an audition.
  25. The casting call for Milka chocolate specified it wanted 'no children over 4ft 4ins', 'no red hair', 'no overweight children', 'she must NOT have reached puberty' and she must be 'beautiful and angelic'. Easier to just say no Scouse children need apply!
  26. A penis has a sad life.... His hair is a mess His family is nuts His neighbour is an arsehole His best friend is a pussy And his owner beats him
  27. On our 50th wedding anniversary my wife said, "Come on, I want you to do what you did on our wedding day. " "I'd love to my dear, " I replied, " but I think that bridesmaid died last year. "
  28. What's the difference between a Brussels sprout and a big hairy ginger fanny? If you really really fucking had to, you would eat a Brussels sprout.
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