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    Thrush

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  3. The REAL Alan Marsh

    The REAL Alan Marsh

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Popular Content

Showing most liked content since 18/07/18 in all areas

  1. 3 likes
    I was so offended by Boris Johnson's ignorant comments about the Burka, I decided to write him a strongly worded letter.... But when I tried to post it, the letterbox screamed at me!
  2. 3 likes
    "Japan records its highest temperature EVER: Mercury hits 106F as deadly heat wave kills 40 people" Nowhere near as hot as August 6, 1945, and nowhere near as many dead.
  3. 3 likes
    I saw a job advertised as a fanny waxers assistant. Job includes removing ladies knickers, prepare their fanny for waxing and rub oil in to the waxed area after waxing. When I asked at the job centre, where is the location of the job...they said I had to go to Cornwall. I said why? is that where the job is? No they said, that's where the back of the queue for the interview is!!!
  4. 2 likes
    A hole in one A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it again." The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole!!..
  5. 2 likes
    Despicable Vicious Arsehole!
  6. 2 likes
    You know when you're sitting on the toilet then suddenly you realise that there is no toilet roll so you have to get up and do that ‘waddle’ to get a new roll?... Well ....... I'm nearly at Tesco..!!!
  7. 2 likes
  8. 2 likes
    Stormy Daniels is doing porn again...... Say what you want about Donald Trump, but he fucking gets people back to work!
  9. 2 likes
    A Mancunian and a Scouser walk into a bakery. The Scouser steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Mancunian , "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me." The Mancunian replied, "That's just simple thievery, I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results." The Mancunian then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says, "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick." The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick. The Mancunian asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked 2 more times and after eating them again the owner says, "Okay my friend, where's the magic trick?" The Mancunian then said, "Look in the Scousers pockets."
  10. 2 likes
  11. 2 likes
    Thrush - the Scottish version of Purple Aki!
  12. 2 likes
  13. 2 likes
    A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him." They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also." They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one." The man turns to his wife and says, "hang on sweetheart, what they are not telling you is that he is not shagging the same cow every fucking night ."
  14. 2 likes
    After his offer of a small submarine was declined by authorities in charge of the Thai cave rescue effort, Elon Musk announced today that he has donated it to Katie Price's gynaecologist.
  15. 1 like
    Aretha Franklin arrives in Heaven and starts singing. "R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me!" "To you." Replied Barry Chuckle.
  16. 1 like
    That's because in order to pass slower vehicles, you are supposed to indicate before you pull out! Nobody will know you wish to pass if you don't use your indicators!
  17. 1 like
    Suspected Islamist terrorist runs over three cyclists in London. I've got mixed emotions about who I should be siding with!
  18. 1 like
    Terrible news about the Westminster terror attack....... 15 cyclists available and he only decked 3!
  19. 1 like
    Nice evening for a spot of speed enforcement. #ThrushOnTheJob
  20. 1 like
    SAM AND BILL Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Bill didn't show up. Sam wasn't concerned; he thought Bill might have a cold or some urgent appointment. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since Sam didn't know where Bill lived (the only time they ever got together was at the park) he was unable to find out what had happened to him. After a month had passed, Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill. On his next visit to the park, however, Bill was sitting on their usual bench waiting for him. Amazed and delighted, Sam exclaimed,'For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?' Bill replied, 'I've been in jail.' 'Jail?' cried Sam. 'You?! What on earth for?' 'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Sue , that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes go?' 'Yes,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?' 'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me. At age 89,I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty.' 'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.
  21. 1 like
    A Traffic Warden's coffin was being lowered into the ground and a voice comes from inside. "Please help..I'm not dead..I'm not dead...Please let me out" The vicar smiles...and leans over the casket and says.... "Too fucking late you nazi cunt...I've already done the paperwork!"
  22. 1 like
    What's the difference between a car and a massive erection? My next door neighbour's 18 year-old daughter didn't give me a car for my birthday!
  23. 1 like
    Can't get anyone to do it. As an old has been occifer, I can't even order someone to do it.
  24. 1 like
    I thought you had a hoop wallah to lick yours clean, being an ex RM occifer.
  25. 1 like
    The BBC are working on a new drama based on recent happenings in Stoke on Trent.... Cull The Midwife!
  26. 1 like
    Despite what people think, it's not all doom and gloom being a morgue attendant.... This morning I had a right little Chuckle!
  27. 1 like
  28. 1 like
  29. 1 like
    A sweet grandmother Telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?" The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, Norma Findlay, Room 302." The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room." After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow." The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good News." The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?" The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me fuck all!!"
  30. 1 like
    As a senior member of this forum, I'll just post up this informative set of jokes about growing old... .......................................................... Some elderly funnies...or should it read funnies for the elderly ! An elderly gentleman... Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.' The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and enjoy listening to their conversations. I've changed my will three times!' Two elderly gentlemen ..... from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?' Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?' 'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.' An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great, I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?' Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for infirm patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.' A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?' 'Yep!' 'Do I know her?' 'Nope!' 'This woman, is she good looking?' 'Not really.' 'Is she a good cook?' 'Naw, she can't cook too well.' 'Does she have lots of money?' 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' 'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 'I don't know.' 'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?' 'Because she can still drive!' Three old guys are out walking. First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?' The second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!' The third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..' A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, it's state of the art. It's perfect.' 'Really?' answered the neighbour. 'What kind is it?' 'Twelve thirty..' Morris, an 82 year old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that at all. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur, be careful.' And One more! A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool … After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
  31. 1 like
    Woman's Quote of the Day: "Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with." Man's Counter-Quote of the Day: "Women are like a fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a fucking headache."
  32. 1 like
    Teachers always said I wouldn't achieve anything. My parents never believed in me. Nurses left me for dead at childbirth because of lack of oxygen to my brain. My Doctor feels I would benefit from electric shock treatment or a full frontal lobotomy. But I said I'll prove them wrong and now I have the chance..... Love Island 2019, here I come!
  33. 1 like
    When I was a kid we were so poor, we would go to KFC and lick other peoples fingers. I believe Thrush still does this, but not because of financial hardship!
  34. 1 like
    Discovered a great new dating website for meeting Greek women...... It's called Cinder.
  35. 1 like
    Paddy pulls up at the traffic lights next to a stunning bird. Paddy smiles at her and winds his window down. She smiles back and winds her window down. Paddy says 'Have you farted as well'?
  36. 1 like
    I go to the gym three times a week.... I don't do any exercise, but after I've watched the ladies working up a sweat in their Lycra gear I go home and have a nice "protein shake".
  37. 1 like
  38. 1 like
    Is there really such a thing as bisexual? Isn't it just homos getting it right occasionally.
  39. 1 like
  40. 1 like
    Why is it called the Wonderbra? When they take it off, you wonder where their tits went!
  41. 1 like
    I don't like to brag, but I have a huge sex drive..... It's up to almost 5TB!
  42. 1 like
    You can judge how low class an area is by the amount of times you find yourself asking this question: "Is that her boyfriend or her dad?"
  43. 1 like
  44. 1 like
    I had the Hiroshima Breakfast this morning...... One giant mushroom and loads of burnt soldiers.
  45. 1 like
    On a flight back from Russia, a flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately. “Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty and quiet female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened, and the man she is with, is a fat, sweaty old slob who looks like a sexual deviant!” The captain responds, “You must be new here. This is Air Force One.”
  46. 1 like
    I've been banned from my local chemist, all I said to the assistant was "Do you swallow or take it up the arse?". How the fuck did I know what to do with those suppository things!
  47. 1 like
    It was the happiest day of my life. Arrived at church. The missus was waiting at the altar. Walked up the aisle. Kissed her on the cheek, smiled and closed the fucking coffin lid!
  48. 1 like
    If a woman ever pulls a knife out on you during an argument, pull out some bread, butter and cheese..... Her instincts will kick in and she'll make you a sandwich!
  49. 1 like
    Women are the only creatures to defy the laws of gravity...... The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up!
  50. 1 like
    I got chatting to a stunner at a party who was alone. "What's your name "? I asked "Carmen" she replied "That's a nice name, was it your mother's name"? I enquired "No" she replied, I'm called Carmen because it is a mix of the two things I love most in life, Cars and Men, what's your name"? she asked "B.J Arsefuck" I replied