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Popular Content

Showing most liked content since 22/09/18 in all areas

  1. 4 likes
    2 female police officer dog handlers on the beat. One says, "I left my knickers at the station". The other says, "Let the dog have a sniff of your fanny & he'll fetch them". The dog returned 20 mins later with her knickers, 2 truncheons and 3 of the desk sergeants fingers.
  2. 3 likes
    The missus asked me what Rohypnol was. "Ask your sister. " I said, "on second thoughts, don't bother, she won't remember anyway!"
  3. 3 likes
    I called my boss this morning and said, "I'm not coming into work today." "Why not?" he asked. I said, "The missus is throwing up in bed and she hasn't ironed my uniform." "That's no excuse," he shouted. I said, "I know, but try telling her that!"
  4. 3 likes
    FACT: If someone is playing Christmas music in October, you're legally allowed to kill them and use their corpse for a Halloween decoration.
  5. 3 likes
    A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three 10p coins to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face. The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the 10p's but is still choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boys' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. Tighter and tighter !!! After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the 10p's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? " 'No,' the woman replied. 'I'm with HMRC.'
  6. 3 likes
    There are calls for the #MeToo movement to be more inclusive of men. It already is..... Yesterday my mate Dave texted me a pic of J-Lo and the words, 'Phwoooaaarrr! I'd fucking shag the arse off of that bitch!' I replied, '#MeToo'.
  7. 3 likes
    My Mrs has just told me she has broken her sat nav and wants £150 for a new one. ......Well she can get lost !!!
  8. 2 likes
    A bestialist, a sadist, a murderer, a necrophiliac, a pyromaniac and a masochist are sat in the dayroom of Broadmoor Hospital. The bestialist says "Let's catch a cat and rape it!" The sadist says "Then we'll torture it!" The murderer says "Then we'll kill it!" The necrophiliac says "Then we'll fuck it again!" The pyromaniac adds "Then we'll set it on fire!" There's a moment of silence and they all turn to look at the masochist, he replies "Miaow?"
  9. 2 likes
    Three fathers are talking about their kids. The first father says, "my daughters a successful doctor. She's so rich, she just bought her best friend a Lamborghini". The second father said, "my sons a successful hedge fund manager. He's so rich, he just bought his best friend a yacht". The third father says, "my daughters the CEO of a big company. She's so rich he just bought her best friend a castle". Right then, a fourth father walks in and asks what they're talking about. The other three fathers say, "we're talking about our successful kids, what does yours do?" The fourth father says, "well my sons a stripper." The other three fathers say, "oh wow, you must be really disappointed." The fourth father replies with, "well not really, he's doing really well. His three friends just bought him a Lamborghini, a yacht, and a castle."
  10. 2 likes
    The missus was seductively showing off her new sexy lingerie and said to me with a wink "What would you like to do with my body now big boy?" "Identify it" in hindsight wasn't probably what she wanted to hear...
  11. 2 likes
    I do know Hogg was a traffic warden once... but I don't think any less of him since he's a reformed character!
  12. 2 likes
    Bloke comes home to find his son sitting on the couch, grinning from ear to ear. "What are you so happy about?" he asked. "I just made love to the girl next door" he says proudly. "Well done son. I hope you were wearing something." "Yup" he replied. "A balaclava."
  13. 2 likes
    You do know Hogg was a traffic warden once, don't you?
  14. 1 like
    Maddie McCann fund 'conman' found dead. I'll bet Kate will miss Gerry more than Maddie!
  15. 1 like
    Having a wife or girlfriend is just a prostitute you pay for on finance.
  16. 1 like
    I've been working hard all day making meals for lowlifes, drunks, druggies, nutters, scroungers and beggars. No it's not the Salvation Army.... I'm a chef at a Liverpool Wetherspoons!
  17. 1 like
    Finally found something today that the missus looks good in... The distance!
  18. 1 like
    My missus said to me on our 30th wedding anniversary, "I'd sure like you to do what you did on our wedding day. " "I won't be able to, " I replied, "that bridesmaid died last year."
  19. 1 like
    How many socialists does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they expect you to pay for an electrician to do it for them!
  20. 1 like
    I don't mean the fat singers. Here is ITVs Lucy Verasamy.
  21. 1 like
    It's been great with Greg James, so much better than Grimmy not that it could get any worse. Scott Mills is also excellent. The rest of them are shite.
  22. 1 like
    Ian Timms on the late show and Gordon Swindlehurst on the lunch time show are quite witty.
  23. 1 like
    She doesn't work for Radio Cumbria, she just supplies the weather forecasts! Radio Cumbria presenters are no worse than any other radio presenters - but previous Cumbria presenters include Richard Hammond, Richard Madely, Helen Skelton and Laura Bicker, who does news reporting from the US and beyond on BBC TV now. There is also Sara Dumbell... who reads the news or something!
  24. 1 like
    I've got something to fill their stockings - a big fat steaming dump.
  25. 1 like
    BBC Scotland weather milf Judith Ralston. She has a cracking set of titties! I wouldn't kick ITV's Becky Mantin out of bed either.
  26. 1 like
    I can definitely forecast a warm front!
  27. 1 like
  28. 1 like
    Wild Boar is popular in France... and quite common in Brittany. You can't buy it in the shops, much, but everybody in the country knows somebody that can get it for you! I had it at a friends house, and since he was a keen gun enthusiast and a good shot, I assumed he had shot it... but when I asked, it transpired his wife had hit it in her car on her way home from work one night, so had stopped and thrown it in the back of the car! He told me he had once toured Scotland on a motorcycle and could not believe they left so much road kill on the roads - and being on the bike, he hadn't the means of carrying it himself! In French it is called Sanglier - but the meat is also known in Brittany as Black Pig - the meat is more lamb coloured than pork.
  29. 1 like
    I don't use my colleagues as a sex toy. I already have a sex toy. Her name is Sofia and she is a naughty woman
  30. 1 like
    Yeah, what he said.
  31. 1 like
    Does he fuck, he has people who tolerate him more than others.
  32. 1 like
  33. 1 like
  34. 1 like
    I saw a woman reading 50 Shades of Grey on the train today. "At least you don't have to lick your fingers to turn the pages" I said with a smile. "You disgusting pervert", she replied and stormed off down the Train Carriage. I then wondered, Are all Kindle readers such miserable cunts?
  35. 1 like
    Me and my wife were driving back from town the other day. We saw a fit blonde jogging by. "That's what I should be doing", I said. "What, jogging?" she replied. "No, her."
  36. 1 like
    Really pissed off with auto-correct feature on my phone. Every time I try to type "cunt" it changes it to Ice Man!
  37. 1 like
    Thank you. I see that despite them not having the same title that everyone still knew who I was referring to!
  38. 1 like
    I'm actually a respected member of the community and a long serving valued member of the largest humanitarian organisation in the world.
  39. 1 like
  40. 1 like
    No, it's because you're an annoying twat!
  41. 1 like
    Fear for the Beluga whale in London have been eased..... It has been revealed that it was just Gemma Collins having her morning dip!
  42. 1 like
    A golf-mad vicar woke up one Sunday morning, and saw that it was a perfect day for golf. He phoned one of his vicar friends and told him that he was too sick to take that day's service, and his friend agreed to cover for him. The vicar arrived at the golf course, unaware that St, Peter was watching him. St. Peter told God what was happening, and God said that he would punish the vicar. The vicar swung, and scored a hole in one on the first hole. The same happened on every hole on the golf course. St. Peter asked: "How is that punishing him?" God said: "Think about it, Peter. Who is he going to tell?"
  43. 1 like
    Who said "Let them tweet cake"? - Marie Internet Sorry if your not historical with laughter by now... I blame the schools! 🤣
  44. 1 like
    I've been having a problem with nuisance phone calls.... The most common one seems to be "You said you'd be home from the pub three hours ago!
  45. 1 like
    Paddy bursts into the Benefits office. I've been ringing 0800 -1730 for 2 bloody days. Why don't you answer the bloody phone. Girl replies, those are our opening times.
  46. 1 like
    You're doing things I do (lane closures, RRB's) etc.