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Popular Content

Showing most liked content since 25/07/19 in all areas

  1. 3 likes
    An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.'Fucking get in there you cunt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar. 'Get the fucking manager of this pigs shit middle class wankhole please you cunt', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says'Yes you can you fat piece of shit, I saw your poxy advert in the cunting window and I'm here to audition.....wanker.'The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?' 'That song, you big nosed twat, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I just jizzed in your daughter's eye, and now the cunts blind...''Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little less "lively".'Wanker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title. 'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the shitbox you get crap on your bell end.''I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?' 'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your ringpiece", or there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs".'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.''Fuck it' says the pianist 'Why not'.On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being perceived as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act. After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him. 'Hi' she says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your cock is hanging out of your trousers, and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?''Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently, 'I fucking wrote it!!!
  2. 2 likes
  3. 2 likes
    I was chatting to a pretty blonde in the pub, "Would you sleep with me if I offered you two million pounds?" She thought for a moment and said, "Yes, I suppose I would." "How about for twenty quid?" I asked "What kind of woman do you think I am?" she snarled. "We've already established that," I replied, "now we're just haggling over the price!"
  4. 2 likes
    On our 50th wedding anniversary my wife said, "Come on, I want you to do what you did on our wedding day. " "I'd love to my dear, " I replied, " but I think that bridesmaid died last year. "
  5. 1 like
    Save petrol by visiting Whitehaven instead.
  6. 1 like
    A guy walks into a bar . He orders a rum and coke and the barman hands him a Apple. I wanted a rum and coke said the man. Bar man replies 'try it' The guy tries the apple and says god, that tastes like rum . The Barman says 'turn it around' The guy takes a bite and it tastes like coke and then says god, that really good. . A Second guy walks into a bar . He orders a gin and tonic and the barman hands him a Apple. I wanted a gin and tonic said the man. Bar man replies 'try it' The guy tries the apple and says god, that tastes like gin . The Barman says 'turn it around' The guy takes a bite and it tastes like tonic and then says god, that really good. A dwarf walks into a bar The two men tell the dwarf that the barman has an apple for every flavour possible. . Really says the dwarf. After a little thought, being clever the dwarf ask for an apple that tastes like pussy . The barman hands him a Apple. Surprised, the dwarf takes a large bite out of the apple As soon as he tastes the flavour, he spites the out apple and says, god, that Tastes like shit. The barman replies, 'Turn it around'
  7. 1 like
    Call J Saville casting for an audition.
  8. 1 like
    A penis has a sad life.... His hair is a mess His family is nuts His neighbour is an arsehole His best friend is a pussy And his owner beats him
  9. 1 like
    Apt that in the UK, a Trump is foul hot air that is emitted by an arsehole.... And that in the U.S.A, Johnson is slang for a penis!
  10. 1 like
  11. 1 like
    A Dumfries virgin is any girl that can run faster than her dad!
  12. 1 like
  13. 1 like
    Nothing makes me happier knowing you're busy.
  14. 1 like
  15. 1 like
    My Scouse girlfriend wants to give our first child a name that will shape his destiny...... So I've suggested Robin.
  16. 1 like
    Ladbrokes Coral fined after customer lost £98,000. Staff claim they tried to stop him betting on Liverpool to win the premier league title but he just kept saying "it's our year!"
  17. 1 like
    BMW have announced improvements to all models. They've removed redundant indicators but added three new horns to use as dick extensions in case a another road user does something you don't like. Good news @Ice man.
  18. 1 like
    I like my women how I like my bacon...... Hot with the fat cut off and wrapped around my sausage.