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Popular Content

Showing most liked content since 19/05/19 in all areas

  1. 4 likes
    An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blistery day. The daughter said to her mother, 'My hands are freezing cold.' The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.' The daughter did, and her hands warmed up. The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, 'My hands are freezing cold.' The girl replied, 'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up.' He did and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, 'My nose is cold.' The girl replied 'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.' He did and warmed his nose. The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, 'My penis is frozen solid.' The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she asks, 'Have you ever heard of a penis?' Concerned the mother said, 'Why yes..... why do you ask?' The daughter replies, 'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!!!'
  2. 3 likes
    Thought I saw the first ever scouser super hero today, he was running down our street wearing a cape.... Turns out he hadn't paid for his haircut!
  3. 3 likes
    A Scotsman goes into a brothel in Amsterdam one night and finds himself a prostitute. He asks her, "How much do yee charrrge forrrr an hourrr?" "£100," she replies. So he asks, "Okay, do yee do Scottish style?" She then says no, not knowing what Scottish style was. He then asks her, "I'll pay you £200 to do it Scottish style." Again she declines his offer. So he then offers her £300. She says, "No!" So finally he says, "I'll give yee £500 to go Scottish style with me!" Finally she agrees thinking, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've been there and done that, had every kind of request from weirdo's from every corner of the world. How bad could Scottish style be?" So she goes ahead and has sex with him, doing it in every kind of way and in every possible position. Finally, after several intense hours they finish. Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "That was fantastic. I've never enjoyed it so much. But I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. Where does the 'Scottish style' come in?" The Scotsman replies... "I'll pay ye next week."
  4. 3 likes
  5. 3 likes
    The Eurovision Song Contest: A load of anti-English foreign wannabes, all belting it out for their native countries......... in English.
  6. 2 likes
  7. 2 likes
    Now you sound like a Jock....You are living toooooooooooo close to them.
  8. 2 likes
    An English lawyer boarded a flight to Dublin with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour. Shortly before landing in Dublin , she used the intercom to announce to the entire plane, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in London , please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them. Three lessons here: 1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are. 2. Blondes aren't as dumb as people think. 3. You will never beat the Irish.......
  9. 2 likes
  10. 2 likes
    Donald Trump has landed in the garden of Buckingham Palace. He will soon proceed to lunch with the Queen, where they will discuss the entire history of America..... During the starter.
  11. 2 likes
    Everyone's talking about Niki Lauda..... I bet his ears are burning!
  12. 1 like
    Whilst the other Tory Leadership candidates all tore into Boris Johnson for not taking part in the TV debate, they were all thinking the same thing...... Whose wife is he fucking!
  13. 1 like
    A Russian spy, an IRA supporter and a racist walk into a pub. The barman says "What can I get you Mr Corbyn?"
  14. 1 like
    The missus was invited to her friend's 'Gender Reveal' party the other day and seemed puzzled as to why I wanted to go with her. I realised my mistake when I was the only one pulling my underwear down!
  15. 1 like
    I've just bumped into Jo Brand in the street, "Please no, please please no, " I begged, "not your act, please, just throw some battery acid in my face!"
  16. 1 like
    I would imagine the commentators at the women's world cup worst nightmare would be one of the girls getting a nasty gash at the top of her legs.
  17. 1 like
    Diane Abbott has admitted to trying to snort coke, however, she admitted that the ice cubes always got stuck in her nostrils.
  18. 1 like
    My doctor has just given me 90 minutes to live. So I've just started watching a women's world cup game, at least that will make it feel like 6 months.
  19. 1 like
    BBC SPORT "Gareth Southgate will not abandon style despite errors" Yup, he will continue to dress like a pretentious cunt at a wedding.
  20. 1 like
    The Brighton Cat Killer..... Not the first chap from that area to dislike pussy!
  21. 1 like
    What he does on here would be the least of the concerns for the CPS
  22. 1 like
    I see the new series of Love Island started again this week, which I've been really looking forward to. More fucking pretentious, wannabe bimbos committing suicide....... Lovely jubbly!
  23. 1 like
    Wife: I fancy a bit of excitement tonight. Pretend to be a burglar again - the sex was amazing! Husband: I have never pretended to be a burglar...
  24. 1 like
  25. 1 like
  26. 1 like
    I doubt whether Trump could even fill the time it takes to eat a starter! Maybe the time it takes to open a yoghurt!
  27. 1 like
  28. 1 like
    Thought I was watching a heartwarming advert for the RSPCA featuring four old dogs way past their prime.... Turns out it was an advert for the Spice Girls reunion.
  29. 1 like
    It must be a relief for the Liverpool fans to win their 6th champions league final.... At last they can remind us all how many times they’ve won it by showing the fingers on one hand!
  30. 1 like
    It's a toss up between Amanda and Alesha for me. (Pun intended).
  31. 1 like
    She needs my cock in her mouth to stop her from swearing.
  32. 1 like
    Dianne Abbot says she has worked out the maths and she thinks the official Labour party position should be for a 2nd referendum as 248% of the electorate support this view.
  33. 1 like
    I went to the doctor's office the other day and found out that my new doctor is young, female and drop dead gorgeous. I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional, I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out. I said, "My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny." ............................................................................... The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife. They said "Is this your wife sir?" Shocked, I answered "Yes." They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus." I said "I know, but she takes it up the arse and she's good with the kids.. ............................................................................... A nun goes to her Mother Superior and asks her to hear a confession. "Today Father Goodwin told me I had the gates of Heaven between my legs, and that he had the Key to Heaven. Then opened my gates with his key." "That bastard!" says Mother Superior. "He told me it was Gabriel's trumpet, and I've been blowing it." ............................................................................... I bought a Christmas tree today and the assistant asked me,"will you be putting that up yourself"? "No,you sick fuck",I replied,"I will be putting it up in my living room"!!!! ............................................................................... You'd be surprised how quickly the sales people at B&Q try and assist you after ignoring you for the past 15 minutes when you try and start a chainsaw. ............................................................................... Christmas day is like any other day for me, sitting at the table with a big fat bird who doesn't gobble anymore. ............................................................................... A dog lover, whose dog was a female and 'in heat', agreed to look after her neighbour's male dog while the neighbours were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate. Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw." "Do you think that will work?" she asked. "Just worked on me," he replied. ............................................................................... My wife arrived back from her driving test today. "So," I asked excitedly, "how did you get on?" "Not good," she replied."He failed me!" "Oh dear!" I said sympathetically."It can't be that bad, what did he pull you up on?" "A fucking rope," she replied. "The car's still at the bottom of the river." ............................................................................... Girl : "Forgive me father for I have sinned." Priest : "What have you done my child?" Girl : "I called a man a son of a bitch." Priest : "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?" Girl : "Because he touched my hand." Priest : "Like this?" (as he touches her hand) Girl : "Yes father." Priest : "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch." Girl : "Then he touched my breast." Priest : "Like this?" (as he touched her breast) Girl : "Yes father." Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl : "Then he took off my clothes, father." Priest : "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes) Girl : "Yes father." Priest : "That's still no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl : "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where." Priest : "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where) Girl : "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!" (after a few minutes) Priest : "That's STILL no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl : "But father, he then told me that he had AIDS!" Priest : "THAT SON OF ABITCH!!!" ............................................................................... Went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. "Great legs!!!", I said The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so?" "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now!!." ............................................................................... The other night, my Mrs asked how many women I'd slept with. I told her "Only you,all the others kept me awake shagging all night" She packed my bags and as I walked out of the front door she screamed... "I wish you a slow and painful death you bastard!" "Oh" I replied, "so you want me to fucking stay now!
  34. 1 like
    “Hide and seek is all fun and games until one of your kids gets carried away!” - Gerry McCann, 2007
  35. 1 like
    I watched Bohemian Rhapsody and was sad to think that Freddie Mercury died of AIDS just before it became treatable. I watched Rocketman and was sad to think that AIDS is now treatable!
  36. 1 like
    The missus and I were out for our anniversary dinner. The waiter came up and asked me, "Sir, how did you find the pork belly ?" "We met 25 years ago in some pub."
  37. 1 like
  38. 1 like
    Don't you worry your pretty la'al head princess.
  39. 1 like
    Reflecting on the past two years, Jurgen Klopp at a press conference today said "Well at least I got to keep my job!"
  40. 1 like
    Plans for Nikki Lauda to be cremated have been cancelled after fire experts advised you wouldn't get him to light a second time.
  41. 1 like
    RIP Nikki Lauda A F1 gentleman.
  42. 1 like
    So I just discovered that when out to eat, It's not polite to lean over to the next table and ask, "Are you finished with that?".... Especially to a guy breaking up with his girlfriend!
  43. 1 like
    Jeremy Corbyn asked Diane Abbott if she could give him a 69. She thought about this for a while, then got him an ice cream with a Flake in it.