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    Thrush

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  3. The REAL Alan Marsh

    The REAL Alan Marsh

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Popular Content

Showing most liked content since 20/03/19 in all areas

  1. 3 likes
    It's what passes for sex education in most secondary schools these days. The trouble is that it gives youngsters an unrealistic expectation of how long it takes to get a plumber to visit your home... so much so that these days, any attempt at a story or plot in the films has been abandoned!
  2. 3 likes
    Mom: If a boy touches your boobs say "don't" and if he touches your pussy say "stop"? Girl: But mom, he touched both so I said "don't stop"
  3. 3 likes
    A woman decided to surprise her husband at work. When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting on his lap. Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."
  4. 3 likes
    Our neighbour is looking for a pair of his wife's knickers that disappeared from their washing line. He said he isn't bothered about the garment itself, but the 14 pegs were from Lakeland Limited, and were expensive!
  5. 2 likes
    Ever wondered why gluten free foods werent around in the Middle Ages? The Middle Class wasnt invented then!
  6. 2 likes
    Gentlemen: Next time your wife gets angry, put a cape on her, and say: "Now you're... Super Angry." She may laugh, or she may not...
  7. 2 likes
    A woman went to a doctor, with bumps and bruising all over her body. She complained that her husband had beaten her. The doctor said: "I thought your husband was out of town." She said "So did I..."
  8. 2 likes
    As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a hard erection...... "Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.
  9. 2 likes
    Impregnate her properly and she would be screaming and cursing
  10. 2 likes
  11. 2 likes
  12. 2 likes
    A man went into hospital for a delicate operation on his groin... a vasectomy. As the surgeon was snipping the tube, he sneezed, and accidentally removed both testicles which rolled away and fell in the waste sharps bin! Thinking nobody would notice, he substitutes a couple baby onions from his lunch box and closes up the operation wound. A few weeks later, the patient is having his follow up consultation, and the surgeon asks if everything has been OK. "Well.." says the patient, "everything SEEMS alright, but when we are having sex, and my wife squeezes my balls, HER eyes water... and every time I pass a hamburger stand, I get an erection!"
  13. 2 likes
  14. 2 likes
    For three years, a young lawyer had been taking brief holidays at a country inn. The last time, he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap. "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have got married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my parents found out about my condition, we sat up all night talking about it, and decided it would be better to have a b*st*rd in the family than a lawyer."
  15. 2 likes
    A man had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry, so he decided to give each one £5000 and see how each of them spent it. The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and told the man: "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gave them to the man. She said: "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." The third one took the £5000 and invested it in the stock market, doubled her investment, returned the £5000 to the man, and reinvested the rest. She said: "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money. Finally, because the man was Thrush, he decided to marry the girl with the biggest boobs, and he lived happily ever after!
  16. 2 likes
    Wife: "There's something preying on my mind." Husband: "Don't worry, it'll soon die of starvation."
  17. 2 likes
    A couple return from their honeymoon refusing to speak to each other. The groom's best friend takes him aside and asks what's wrong. "Well," replies the man, "when we finished making love on the first night, I put a £50 note on the pillow, without thinking." "Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," says his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough. She can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years." "That's not the problem," the groom says. "She gave me £20 change!"
  18. 2 likes
    THE JUNGLE PRIEST A priest is about to finish his tour of duty and is leaving his mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives in their own tongue. He realises the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English. �To make it easier for his successor, the priest takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." �The priest is really enthusiastic about the progress. They keep going until they hear noises in the bushes. They stop to peek over the top and see a couple of natives in sexual activity. The priest is highly embarrassed but quickly responds, "Man riding bike." �The chief immediately pulls out his blowgun and kills the couple. The priest is dreadfully upset. He tells the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilised and compassionate, to be kind to each other. How can he be so callous and kill these people? �The chief replies, "My bike...." The moral: Enjoy your day, but remember to take great care, especially when riding someone else's bike.
  19. 2 likes
    A couple had been dating for two years and decided to get married. Her parents helped as much as they could and all their friends thought it a really good idea. The girl was an absolute dream, and her boyfriend was totally in love with her. There was one fly in the ointment, however, in the form of the girl's younger sister, who was constantly flirting with the boyfriend, giving him lascivious looks and making lewd comments to him, as well as wearing very short skirts and cleavage-revealing tops. One day, the younger sister called the boyfriend and excitedly told him that the wedding invitations had arrived; would he like to see them? He agreed that he would, and went straight over, only to find that he and the younger sister were alone. She told him that she could no longer stand not being with him, and wanted to have sex with him just once before he married her sister. He was shocked and speechless. She looked at him, and took off her top, revealing her beautiful, pert breasts. Then she walked to the stairs, and going up, she took off her knickers and threw them at him. He stood staring for a moment and then ran to the door, opened it, and started to walk to his car. His future father-in-law was standing outside with tears in his eyes, hugged him and said: "I’m glad you passed this little test, and I am sure that my daughter could not find a better man. Welcome to the family, my son!" Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in your car!
  20. 2 likes
    “The doctor walks in: ‘Sir, I have some bad news. I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.’ Patient: ‘I don’t understand, doc. Why?’ Doctor: ‘Because I’m trying to examine you.'”
  21. 2 likes
    I'm not Jewish and have no interest in converting..... But on more than one occasion watching Rachel Riley on Countdown has almost led to the removal of my foreskin!
  22. 2 likes
    So I tried to explain the birds and the bees to my deaf daughter using sign language. Long story short..... My parrot is dead and I have bee stings on my dick.
  23. 2 likes
    In the news: Uri Geller sends letter to Theresa May saying he will use his telepathic power to stop Brexit. You would think an Israeli would use his powers to stop the anti-semitic Labour party rather poking his big nose into Brexit!
  24. 2 likes
    I do apologise for not being able to be at the People's Vote protest march..... Unlike those involved, I had to be at my place of employment!
  25. 2 likes
    A handsome young lad went into the hospital for minor surgery, and the day after the procedure a friend stopped by to see how he was doing. His friend was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention?" the friend asked, "You look fine to me." "I am!" grinned the patient. "But the nurses formed a fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches."
  26. 2 likes
    Three rabbits escape from a testing lab and find an entire field full of carrots. They eat themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, they find an entire field full of female rabbits with no males in sight. They make love vigorously and frequently, then sleep throughout the night. The next morning, the rabbits wake up, and discuss their next moves: "I'm gonna go back to that field of carrots," says one. "I'm gonna go back to those cute little rabbits," says the second. "I'm going back to the lab," says the third. "I'm dying for a cigarette."
  27. 1 like
    I chinned a feminist today and as she landed on the floor, she screeched "Somebody call the cops!" In other words, 'Get some men to help me!'.
  28. 1 like
    I don't really understand why the Catholics hate homosexuality, but it's perfectly fine to fuck alter boys...
  29. 1 like
    Wife: "You know, I was a fool when I married you." Husband: "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
  30. 1 like
    A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: " Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking Delta," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Delta?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste." "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks Teste's going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump." "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Delta's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!" "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.." "Oh, really! What'd he say?" He said: "Who messed up your hair?"
  31. 1 like
    As of today ”Upskirting” is now a crime... Before it was more of a hobby.
  32. 1 like
    I only stay with the wife because of my teenage stepdaughter...... If it wasn't for her, I'd get no sex at all!
  33. 1 like
    European Union leaders have agreed to delay Brexit by six months, until October 31. This being Halloween, expect an old witch to continue fucking shit up!
  34. 1 like
  35. 1 like
    Not driving your car and keeping the mileage low to maximise the resale value is like not shagging your girlfriend to keep her fanny tight for the next bloke.
  36. 1 like
    ...which went off for the big bang leaving a desolate wasteland around it. You were nearly right!!
  37. 1 like
  38. 1 like
    HE SAID: "Honey, on this Valentine's Day, I want to tell you: I'm not rich like Jack, I don't have a mansion like Russell, and I don't have a 10 inch penis like Martin, but I do love you and I want to marry you." SHE SAID: "I love you too - but what was that you said about Martin?"
  39. 1 like
    Exclusive in The Sun tomorrow: Paras in shocking new footage as Regiment uses Abbott's knickers to drop supplies to troops in Helmand province.
  40. 1 like
    To be fair to the Parachute regiment, since Gerry Adams went grey, him and Jeremy Corbyn do look kinda similar. An easy mistake to make on their part!
  41. 1 like
    Army chiefs in Afghanistan apologise for misunderstanding as soldiers told to aim for Top Marxman!
  42. 1 like
    Two scousers are in a posh restaurant one says "I'm gonna order the venison". His mate says "don't order dat it's dead deer, you should have mutton like me, dat's dead sheep!"
  43. 1 like
    Q: Why are Penises the lightest things in the world? A: Even thoughts can raise them.
  44. 1 like
    It was better than walking the streets.
  45. 1 like
    Guy Fawkes..... Where are you when we need you?
  46. 1 like
    The Pope has revealed why he wouldn't let worshipers kiss his ring..... They were all over 15!
  47. 1 like
    How does a deaf bloke know when his missus has died?
  48. 1 like
    I remember the first time the missus saw me naked. "It's so big," she exclaimed, "there's no way that tiny cock of yours will fill it."
  49. 1 like
    Of course not...I just painted them a different colour!!
  50. 1 like
    I was recently asked at a job interview if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could have a good crack at Bohemian Rhapsody