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Popular Content

Showing most liked content since 24/09/17 in all areas

  1. 3 likes
    We have remote weather monitoring stations dotted along the motorway. The operator came over the air, "control to patrol 2, wind speed is registering at 68mph in your area, what are the conditions like?" There was a short pause and the patrol answered, "windy!"
  2. 3 likes
    The mrs said I needed to get more in touch with my feminine side. So I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and completely ignored her all night for no apparent reason.
  3. 3 likes
    HUSBAND: Darling, if I lost my sight, would you be my eyes for me? WIFE: Of course I would sweetheart. HUSBAND: If I lost my hearing, would you be my ears? WIFE: Absolutely honey. HUSBAND: If I lost my legs would you push me in a wheelchair? WIFE: You don't need to ask. Why all the questions? HUSBAND: I just sprained my wrist.....
  4. 3 likes
    That joke didn't really take off. Hey howdee partner! I have two answers; please subscribe at 19.95$ a month for access!
  5. 2 likes
    Stolen from Str8lolly! The Doctor asks: “What’s the problem?” The woman says: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. On these days my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. He scares me.” The Doctor says: “I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and do not swallow water until your husband leaves the room or calms down.” Two weeks later the woman comes back to the hospital to see the doctor looking fresh and happy. The woman says: “Doctor that was a wonderful idea! Every time my husband started losing his temper, I swished with water and did not swallowed ,he calmed right down in a few minutes! How does a glass of water do that?” The Doctor says: “The water itself does nothing. It’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick.
  6. 2 likes
    Please BE WARNED! Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam whilst out shopping. Simply dropping into Sainsbury's supermarket for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends! Here's how the scam works: Two very good-looking 20-21 year-old girls of eastern European origin come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T- shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead they ask you for a lift to another supermarket, in my case, Tesco. You agree and they both get in the back seat. On the way there, they start undressing, until both are completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet! I had my wallet stolen on October 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. Also on November 1st, 4th, 6th, 9th and 10th and twice yesterday.So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam. The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the afternoon. P.S. Aldi have cheap wallets on sale for £1.99 each but Lidl wallets are £1.75 and look better!! Happy Shopping!
  7. 2 likes
    My mate has just discovered that he's dyslexic, and gay? He's still in daniel.!!
  8. 2 likes
    Chris Eubank has written a book about ethics. If it's a success, his next book will be about Kent.
  9. 2 likes
    The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.” Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.” The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.” Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him. Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!” The teacher sat down and cried.
  10. 2 likes
    A plane was shot down over Iraq and Saddam Hussain captured a Scotsman,an Englishman and an Australian. Saddam says "I'm not as cruel as George Bush says I am You will be given 50 lashes each but you can have whatever you want on your back" The Australian goes first and asks for the finest Kangaroo hide there is to cover his back. This is granted and he receives the kangaroo hide before he receives 50 lashes. His back is all torn and bleeding but he survives. The Englishman says "I will take it as it comes I will have nothing on my back and will be proud to bear the scars" he shouts defiantly"Stiff upper lip you know eh what" His wish is granted and he receives his 50 lashes, his back torn and bleeding, his ribs fractured and protruding, a terrible mess to behold. "Now Jock It's your turn you have the same choice as the other two what would you like on your back" says Saddam. Jock replies quickly and without hesitation "I'll have the Englishman"
  11. 2 likes
    The wife said "You drink far to much whisky" Which came as a shock .I didn't know I had a wife ...!!!
  12. 1 like
  13. 1 like
    Sounds like a girl I used to know
  14. 1 like
    What the Marines really means My Ass Really Is Navy Equipment Sir
  15. 1 like
    I view this as a proof of the failed school, or they are fucking stupid, but it is funny and there are many more vids like this one
  16. 1 like
    A parachutists halted a football match when he landed on the centre circle. The ref booked him for....... descent.
  17. 1 like
    My Grandad is a bit senile and he keeps knocking on his own front door. Then he goes round the back and into the house to answer it. I don't think he realises what he's letting himself in for....
  18. 1 like
    Why can't Miss Piggy count up to 70? Because every time she reaches 69 she gets a frog in her throat.
  19. 1 like
    I really miss this guy and I wonder what he has said about the current situation in the world.
  20. 1 like
    Scottish GPS
  21. 1 like
    Dog Walkers. Worst crisp flavour. Ever. Me mate has a nasty fungal foot infection. God I'd hate to be in his shoes!! My old man would never go down without a fight. That's why I'd never get in a lift with him. Spent 3 hours tending to the Mother-in-Law's grave this morning, she still thinks it's going to be a pond....
  22. 1 like
    His Scottish impressions were very good!
  23. 1 like
    So Ice Man ruined the thread? I'll settle for that.
  24. 1 like
    They are ambidextrous...
  25. 1 like
    From one of our Aden vets: Where the hell did this guy get his info from, all the RMP etc portrayed as scruffy squaddies, marching around, in a barracks setting, no duty room, using a guard room, that's a no no for RMP and always has been. RMP on Guard Duty at Gate with rifle, SLR, slung at right shoulder, no again, this was a hot situation, weapons carried at the low port, and, no saluting officer's as it marked them out as targets. Where did all the vegetation come from on the hills. How come a single person was allowed to drive round in and out of little villages, armed with only a pistol, I don't think so, it would need to be at least a two vehicle patrol with at leat 3 men in each vehicle, and some armed with rifles, because SMG's were f all use when you had to return fir over distances of 200 yards. Sgtas Mess, Officer's mess, lots of officers, also officers wearing red hats and MP arm bands, I never saw that happen, no Sgt Major anywhere in sight, officer's playing cards with the lads, when did this happen ? Where was that airport the newly landed at, did he gets dressed in his desert kit in UK, apart from thatRAF Khormaksar has always been the airport for service personnel, in and out, and it was well guarded, and had air conditioned lounges. Since when do officer's get a driver sent on his own to collect them, No No, this fellow has not done his homework. What a load of Ba....ks.
  26. 1 like
    Don't know who she is but I do love a sex scene at 2110 on a Sunday night. Even better was the fact that it was the missus idea to watch it.
  27. 1 like
    Me and the wife went up to the Ryanair check-in desk. The clerk said, "Do you have reservations?" I replied "Yes, but we're flying with you anyway!"
  28. 1 like
    Iceman was hoping to buy an igloo on a frozen lake in the north of Sweden. Sadly the sun came out and it all fell through.
  29. 1 like
    wife says to her husband you dont take me to anywhere expensive anymore,So he says get your coat on,Wife says where we going?...Fucking petrol station ! lol
  30. 1 like
    In a train carriage there was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacularly good looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Frenchman has a big red slap mark on his cheek. The blonde thought - "That French son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by a mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face." The large lady thought - "This dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him." The Frenchman thought - "That fucking Englishman put his hand on that blonde and by a mistake she slapped me." The Englishman thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon, so I can smack that French twat again."
  31. 1 like
    Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four" "Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishman retorts disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons." "You cannot pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four.-You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law". "The Englishman replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!" "Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."