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Popular Content

Showing most liked content since 18/12/17 in all areas

  1. 4 likes
  2. 4 likes
    I can remember when one of my ex-girlfriends said "get some of those pills that help you get an erection". You should have seen her face when I tossed her the diet pills...
  3. 4 likes
    Who can forget this scene!
  4. 3 likes
    They were all similarly well equipped truckers or snooty business types around me. The former didn't need my help and the latter could go fuck themselves. (I wouldn't have actually let them die of hypothermia....well probably not ) Of course, had there been any fit wimens I would have let them sit in my cab......just to get warm you understand
  5. 3 likes
    I remember being stuck in snow many years ago. Actually I'll rephrase that. When I was stuck behind muppets who were stuck in snow, I was quite happy with my camp stove, kettle, bottled water and a cab well stocked with chocolate biscuits. Not to mention a night heater
  6. 3 likes
    Aww poor babies......next!
  7. 3 likes
    I said to my then wife "Put your jacket on" She said " Ooh are we going out?" I replied, " No, i am , and im turning the heating off"
  8. 3 likes
    A group of chaps, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for a reunion lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge … because the waitresses had big boobs and wore mini-skirts. Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge … because the food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent. Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge … because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet, and it was good value for money. Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge … because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled. Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge … because they had never been there before!
  9. 3 likes
    I dont want to get anyone into trouble, but Ice Man made me say it and he gave me cash as well!
  10. 3 likes
    Tom had been in Police work for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there. 'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...' 'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you.' As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.' 'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'. Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.' 'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again.' 'More 'n likely be some wild sex, too,' 'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?' 'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.' I changed the names and locations to protect the innocent but I mean ice man and PM PT
  11. 3 likes
    He is now officially her Gay best friend!
  12. 3 likes
    Top Twenty Oxymoron's 20, Found missing 19. Resident alien 18. Airline food 17. Same difference 16. Government organization 15. Sanitary landfill 14. Alone together 13. Business ethics 12. Sweet sorrow 11. Military intelligence 10. Plastic glasses 9. Terribly pleased 8. Definite Maybe 7. Pretty Ugly 6. Computer Security 5. Political science 4. Diet ice cream 3. Working vacation 2. Exact estimate 1. Microsoft Works
  13. 2 likes
    A great and cheap silencer
  14. 2 likes
    I knew i should have bought a BV202 and converted it into a Brattie wagon!
  15. 2 likes
    Im assuming you had a trailer to steal his massive collection of skidmarked female undercrackers?
  16. 2 likes
    Earl and Bubba were quietly sitting in a boat fishing chewing tobacco and drinking beer when Bubba suddenly says, “I think I’m going to divorce my wife; she hasn’t said anything to me in over two months.” Earl takes a long sip of beer and says to Bubba, “You better think that over. Women like that are hard to find.”
  17. 2 likes
    A man walked into the vegetable section of his local supermarket and asked for half a head of lettuce. The boy working there told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy asked his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his Manager, "Some to**er wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the Manager found the boy and said, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?" "Originally from Essex sir," the boy replied. "Why did you leave Essex ?" the manager asked. The boy answered, "Sir, there's nothing but wh*res and footballers there." "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Essex ." "No way!" the boy replied. "Who does she play for?"
  18. 2 likes
    Little boy asks his Dad whats between mums legs ? His father answers Paradise my son. Son replies what's between your legs his father says the key to paradise. His son says piece of advice dad... change the lock because the guy next door has a spare key.....
  19. 2 likes
    An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He wrote, "No." The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was: "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
  20. 2 likes
    I've learnt a life lesson today..... Next time I walk into the house and see my wife crying, I'm not going to say "Is it because of your new hair do?"
  21. 2 likes
    I make him do it with the lights off and sucking on a helium balloon to raise the pitch of his voice
  22. 2 likes
    Dont pretend you dont know.. you make Mad Granny look respectable on here!
  23. 2 likes
    Never even called the next day, i felt seduced and abandoned.
  24. 2 likes
    1400 cars on fire in Liverpool..... New year, some things never change!
  25. 2 likes
    Missus started the new year drinking early by the looks of things....
  26. 2 likes
    No, not the missus (but you can if you want....unless you're Hawky!) Tasty meal. Well done Mrs Thrush.
  27. 2 likes
    Ten things a woman will never say: 1 Do you think this dress makes me look too slim? 2 You take me out too much. Can't we just stay in? 3 A fake one will do. 4 You look stressed out, let me give you a blow job. 5 Have a night out with your friends, you deserve it. 6 My mother is a real old bitch. 7 No, no. You buy me too much already. 8 Give it me hard up the arse big boy. You know I love it. 9 What headache? 10 Put your money away, let me buy the round.
  28. 2 likes
    At a rough guess either alcohol or one of madgranny's presents got in the way? Or possibly both
  29. 2 likes
    Because of Tyrone’s stupidity and clumsiness, his teacher, was always yelling at him, "You're driving me crazy, Tyrone!" One day, Tyrone's mother came to school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and that she had never seen such a stupid boy in her entire teaching career. The mother was so shocked at the feedback that she withdrew her son from school, moved out of London and relocated to Birmingham. Twenty-five years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an almost incurable cardiac disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have open heart surgery, but there was only one surgeon in Britain who could perform the operation and he was located at a Birmingham Clinic. Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful. When she came round after surgery she saw a handsome young doctor smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but quickly died. The doctor was shocked, wondering what could possibly have gone wrong so suddenly. Then he turned around and saw that Tyrone, a janitor in the Clinic, had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner. If you thought for one moment that Tyrone had become a heart-surgeon, there is a high likelihood that you think Jeremy Corbyn would make a good prime minister...!
  30. 2 likes
  31. 2 likes
    My next door neighbour just knocked on my door. She said, "Do you know anything about the knickers that were on my washing line this morning?" I said, "Yeah. Pink, size 12, bought from M&S, made in China and they have a huge cum stain on front." "No they don't you fucking pervert!" she screamed. "Do you wanna bet?" I said.
  32. 2 likes
    The date went very well. We'll be seeing each other again after Christmas. Gonna have a chat then about seeing where she wants to take things.
  33. 2 likes
    Everything i tell you to do, , do theopposite
  34. 2 likes
    I think he's after a long term relationship....
  35. 2 likes
    If you need relationship advice , call me!
  36. 2 likes
    Just make sure you can see street names and carry an A-Z map book.
  37. 2 likes
    HA! You are sooooo funny. No, we stick to public places because we both have a terrible sense of direction.
  38. 2 likes
    I have a query, Hawkster. Are you out on a little walk about with the gal? You have a bad record with that, I hope she finds her way around so you don't end up lost again.
  39. 2 likes
    Remember back in the day, when your TV wouldn't work, you'd bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher, but unfortunately, she's ended up pregnant...
  40. 2 likes
    The police phoned me to tell me my wife was in hospital. "How is she?" I asked. "Very critical," replied the officer. "What's she fucking complaining about now?" I said.
  41. 2 likes
    Fooking hell Hawky, jack shit for months then you trot along with a very fine looking young lady. Anybody would be proud to be taking that out, I know I would
  42. 1 like
    Wolfie was a better sight than the famous busload of nurses!
  43. 1 like
    A blast from the past for the ex BAOR lads.
  44. 1 like
    No, they have beds in the house. They'll probably be sleeping more comfortably than me tonight!
  45. 1 like
    I hope he got more than that for £300!!
  46. 1 like
    Just been finished off with profiteroles and fresh cream, they didn't last long enough to get a photo!
  47. 1 like
    I may be wrong but im sensing a cheeky wee bit of plastic surgery on her coupon. Fine nipples though, definitely hang a wet duffelcoat with a bottle of irn bru in each pocket on those bad boys.
  48. 1 like
    Opinions are like arseholes..... Some are more palatable than others!
  49. 1 like
  50. 1 like
    Which sex position produces the ugliest children? Ask a Liverpool fan.