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    The REAL Alan Marsh

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Popular Content

Showing most liked content since 23/01/19 in all areas

  1. 3 likes
    Thrush walks into a florist's to buy flowers for his partner. "Are you after anything in particular?" asked the florist, "Yes" says Thrush... "sex... and forgiveness for the fox poo incident!"
  2. 3 likes
    Two little boys, one blond, one with brown hair, were arguing over whose parents were the best. The brown-haired kid said: “My father is way better than yours.” The blond kid came back: “Maybe, but my mother is way better than yours.” The brown-haired kid said: “You got me there... that’s what my father says.”
  3. 3 likes
    My friend Andy is in so much trouble. For Valentines, his girlfriend said to go out and get something, that would make her look sexy. So he went out... and came back drunk!
  4. 3 likes
    Excuse my rant but I'm absolutely fuming...... My son got sent home from school yesterday. He has been suspended for running around the girls toilets waving his willy around. Idiotic yes but it seems he had done it for a bet. Suspension seemed to be a bit harsh, so I rang the headmaster to explain that it was just a bit of tomfoolery gone too far. However, he was having none of it and has stuck by the suspension. Getting a bit peeved, I asked the head if he would rather have him thieving and smashing the school up like others I could mention. "No", he said, "I would rather have him teaching the year 5 Geography class that he is employed to do"...........
  5. 3 likes
    A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument over which gender enjoyed sex more. The man said, “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?” “That doesn’t prove anything!” the woman countered. “Think about this… when your ear itches and you put your finger in it to scratch, then pull it out, which feels better – your ear or your finger?”
  6. 3 likes
    A man walks into a bar and asks the barman to pour him a stiff drink, as he has just had a fight with his wife. "Did you win?" asked the barman as he poured the drink. "Sort of," said the man. "She approached me on her hands and knees." "Wow," said the barman. "Did she apologise for the fight?" "No," said the man. "She shouted: 'Come out from under the bed, you chicken... I want to know why the dog smells of fox shit!!"
  7. 3 likes
    Diane Abbott has described her appearance on Question Time as a ''horrible experience''. On the bright side, it could have been worse; she could have been on Countdown!
  8. 3 likes
    I thought you were going to say it was over very quickly and you needed tissues for some time after.
  9. 3 likes
    A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus. When his father left to buy popcorn, the boy asked: "Mum, what's that long thing on the elephant?" "That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied. "No, Mum, down underneath." His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing." The father returned, and the mother went off to the loo. As soon as she left, the boy repeated his question. The father took a look and explained: "That's the elephant's penis." "So, how come when I asked Mum, she said it was nothing?" His Dad took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."
  10. 2 likes
  11. 2 likes
    Three men, a bloke from Lancashire , a Yorkshireman and a Rastafarian all in the maternity ward waiting for their partners to give birth. The midwife comes out and tells them congratulations, they're all fathers of beautiful healthy boys, however unfortunately they've run out of the name tags, and the babies have been mixed up, so if they could each go in and identify their sons from any family resemblance etc. The Yorkshireman wants to go first, so in he goes and comes out with a black baby The Rastafarian looks a bit confused, "excuse me", he said, "but don't you think he's likely to be mine ?" "Probably", said the Yorkshireman, "but one of them in there's from Lancashire........ and I'm takin' no fucking chances !!!!!"
  12. 2 likes
    An old soldier goes into a chemist to buy some viagra."Can I have 6 tablets cut into quarters please mate""I can cut them for you", said the pharmacist, " But a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection""I'm 95" said the old soldier, "I don't want an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers"
  13. 2 likes
    It's quite nice here now
  14. 2 likes
    Paddy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright, but after a few months he gets lonely. The pig started to look more and more attractive, with its soft, pink flesh and round buttocks, but every time Paddy made an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarled and snapped at him. Paddy found this to be very frustrating. One day, Paddy saw a speck on the horizon, so he swam out to find a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of it was a beautiful woman, unconscious. He dragged the dinghy to shore and brought the woman into his hut, and slowly nursed her back to health. Finally, she was well enough to walk and she said to him: "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it." Paddy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"
  15. 2 likes
    Had an accident? Not your fault? You're obviously a woman.
  16. 1 like
    Dear Mother In Law, Don't teach me how to bring up my children..... I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
  17. 1 like
    A man was playing golf, and not doing too badly, when he sliced his shot on the 16th hole, and watched it go into the woods. He went looking for it, and found it next to a very small, dazed man who had a large bump on his forehead. "What hit me?" asked the small man. "I'm very sorry," said the golfer. "My golf ball must have hit you. Can I be of any help to you?" "No," replied the small man. "I am a leprechaun, and, since you caught me, I am duty-bound to grant you three wishes." "I couldn't possibly take anything from you," said the golfer, "especially not after injuring you." Having made sure that the leprechaun was alright, the golfer resumed his game. The leprechaun thought to himself: "He's a nice enough chap. I'll grant him three wishes: To play better golf, to have as much money as he needs, and to have as much sex as he can handle." A few years later, the golfer came back, and again sliced his ball into the woods at the 16th hole. He went looking for it, and found the leprechaun waiting for him, holding his golf ball. "Good morning," said the leprechaun. "How's the golf?" "Much better, thank you, apart from that one slice. I'm one of the top players in the country now" "And how are you doing for money?" asked the leprechaun. "It's the strangest thing," replied the golfer. "Every time I need to pay for something, I pull the exact amount out of my pocket. It never fails!" "And how are things with your sex life?" asked the leprechaun. "Oh, that's pretty good. I'm having sex two or three times a week," said the golfer. "Two or three times a week? Is that all?" asked the leprechaun. "Well," said the golfer, "it's not bad for a Catholic priest with a small parish!"
  18. 1 like
    When dithering over whether or not to give Jeremy Corbyn a chance as Prime Minister, just remember this.... Do we want a country that anyway resembles a Diane Abbott after he's fucked it?
  19. 1 like
    According to a study, the average millennial has sex twice a week. Or more, if they’re struggling to pay the rent they owe me!
  20. 1 like
    Tearful father of pregnant IS girl, has said his daughter has made a mistake, should be forgiven and allowed home..... We had an arranged marriage for her, and need to do the honour killing ourselves!
  21. 1 like
    The missus told me she really hopes Subway offer free subways on Valentines day... "Why" I asked "You normally complain when I try to put 6 inches down your throat"
  22. 1 like
    I told my missus last year, "For Valentines Day, I'm going to give you the Sun, the Moon, and the Stars". She was so excited, until she unwrapped her new telescope.... Which I am currently using to spy on my neighbours teenage daughter.
  23. 1 like
    I called my kids Lager and Guinness. The wife's bitter.
  24. 1 like
    "Lets play Chinese whispers." I said quietly to the missus. "Gag me then stick your cock up my arse first."..... I thought she'd replied.
  25. 1 like
  26. 1 like
    The official list of emojis for 2019 has been updated to include a drop of blood, which is meant to symbolise menstruation. Although, if tech companies really wanted to accurately portray the suffering caused by periods, they should use an emoji of a husband quietly masturbating in the bathroom!
  27. 1 like
    AN OPEN LETTER TO CBEEBIES FROM AN ANXIOUS PARENT. RE: ‘BEDTIME HOUR’ Dear CBeebies, I am writing to complain about ‘Bedtime Hour’. Since becoming a parent I have very much enjoyed your programming. I love almost everything about it; from Hey Duggee to Andy's Prehistoric Adventures. Yes, Abney & Teal’s a bit shit, Bing’s a whiny dick and the Tumble family can be a bit unsettling (I'm just going to say it: Mr Tumble, Grandpa Tumble, Polly Tumble, there's not a single member of that family that doesn't look like they keep body parts in the freezer), but generally speaking Cbeebies is pretty awesome. That said, 'Bedtime Hour'... 6 o'clock? ..6 o' f**king clock!? In what parallel universe does CBeebies exist that kids are settling down for bed at 6 o' Clock!!?? Most kids are still crayoning cocks on the radiators at half 7!? And that's the really well behaved ones. Have you ever tried to get a kid anywhere near their bed between 6 and 7? ... they'll have your bloody eyes out. It's like trying to get a pissed and f**ked off badger into a carrier bag. (It doesn't want to go and someone's gonna get hurt). Far from being bedtime.. Between 6 and 7 is the time when most kids piss-taking abilities are at their most powerful. For them, it is the perfect time to go 'berzerker'.. full William Wallace.. smash the place up, face-plant off the settee, get out every toy they've ever owned and stick a plastic light-sabre up the dog's arse. 6-7pm is go f**king nuts time. It's not just in our house, I've done extensive research on this and I can categorically say that 6 o'clock is not bedtime hour in anyone's house with young kids in it. In fact, if you're interested, the hours preceding bedtime are actually as follows: 6-7pm - 'Negotiation' Hour 7-8pm - 'For Fucks Sake' Hour 8-9pm - "No, how many more times, you're not watching The bloody Incredibles, its bedtime!?".' Hour 9-10pm - '"It was your idea to have kids in the first place"' Hour 10-11pm - 'Losing the last dying embers of your will to live.. Kill Me. Kill Me ' Hour 11-12pm - 'Bedtime' Hour 12-? - 'How are you up again? What are you.. a f**king vampire!?' Hour. With all due respect, I know it must seem like you've got 'bedtime hour' correct - because it gets massive viewing figures - but that's only because Tom Hardy sometimes does the bedtime story and half the mums in the UK are licking the screen. In truth, four hours after you lot have knocked off - to go on the piss with Dr Ranj, Mister Maker and the cast of Biggleton - Most parents are still negotiating with their mini terrorists to find out what they want in return for just going upstairs. And the worst thing is that, without Cbeebies, parents are then forced to stumble over to Nickolodeon Jr to endure American cartoons about talking cars and 'being buddies' and an endless cycle of adverts for plastic unicorns and dolls that piss and shit themselves. Look, I'm sure there's a topsy and tim type family somewhere in the Home Counties where the kids adhere to this 6-7 bedtime hour. I'm sure these kids are tucked up beneath hemp blankets, that mommy weaved just that morning, gently dozing as daddy plays 'Let it be' on an acoustic guitar. But not in our house where if we can get our child to bed without a major fire or anybody dying that’s a pretty good evening. So, please. For the sake of the threadlike sanity that every parent in this nation clings to at the end of each day do the right thing. Move bedtime hour to.. let’s say...reality. Matt x P.S. Oh, and not to be an arse, but to make matters worse you lot don't start the programmes again until 6 in the morning. This morning my son got up at 4am. He couldn't have got up any earlier if he'd invented time travel.. I was that tired I couldn't feel my face.. and where were you.. nowhere!? If I hadn't had a couple of Go Jetters stacked up on the sky planner I'd have thrown myself under the bin lorry at 8. P.P.S and thanks for The Stick Song by the way, you utter barstards.
  28. 1 like
    In light of today's discovery Cardiff City F.C. have announced that Emiliano Sala will remain with the club but will only be used as a sub.
  29. 1 like
    A priest is walking through town at his new parish when a prostitute approaches him, and says: "Oral sex is £20 if you're interested." Confused by this he smiles, blesses her and goes back to the church. He sees one of the nuns and asks her, "Sister, what's oral sex?" She replies, "£20, Same as in town".
  30. 1 like
    I don't understand my missus.... She seemed enthusiastic when I suggested we make some homemade porn, then she throws a fucking fit when I start auditioning women for her part!
  31. 1 like
    I went to Grasmere yesterday afternoon... light snow when I set off. By Ambleside it has gt considerably thicker... with visibility down to around 50 to 75 yards but car after car coming the other way had NO lights on at all, not even side lights - which would have been nearly invisible in the conditions!
  32. 1 like
    We've had a bit too.
  33. 1 like
  34. 1 like
    Jokes on you, I got my degree in gender studies while there were still only two of them!
  35. 1 like
  36. 1 like
  37. 1 like
    When I was a child, if I saw someone with something I couldn't have, I wanted to ruin it for them out of bitter jealous petty resentment, but I grew out of it... Unlike feminists.
  38. 1 like
    Cardiff v Leicester...... El Crashico?
  39. 1 like
    When my wife and kids are really getting on my fucking nerves, I have a place I like to go to, to get away from it all...... It's called my girlfriend's vagina!
  40. 1 like
    At least Cardiff will get a parachute payment if they go down..... It's what Sala would have wanted.
  41. 1 like
  42. 1 like
    Some people are questioning the amount that Cardiff paid for Emiliano Sala, but to me, it's just a drop in the ocean!
  43. 1 like
    I think it's a universal word!
  44. 1 like
    An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Dillon, Montana for a shave and a haircut. He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin. When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball. The barber replied, "You'd just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."
  45. 1 like
    Car bomb in Londonderry, mentally unstable US President and an arrogant female PM who thinks everyone should dance to her tune.... You’re listening to the Golden Years, that’s right, it’s 1981.