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Popular Content

Showing most liked content since 17/11/18 in all areas

  1. 3 likes
    I'm posting this here because it really is one to laugh at!! Corbyn is calling for Theresa May to resign because because of the result of the no confidence vote by the Tories which she WON by 200 to 117. Corbyn refused to resign when he LOST his no confidence vote by 172 to 40!! https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-36647458 That's got to be good for a laugh!!
  2. 3 likes
    Looks like Theresa May's only hope of avoiding the 48 letter no-confidence threshold could be asking Diane Abbot to do a recount!
  3. 3 likes
    Short of petrol ? . A little girl asks her mum, "Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Her mum replies, "No, because she is on heat." "What does that mean?" asked the girl. "Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage." The little girl goes out to the and says, "Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on heat and to ask you." He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said, "Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block"' The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked "Where's Lulu?" Oh Dad! You'll love this!!! ... The little girl said "She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
  4. 2 likes
    That's Corbyn for you, a hypocrite. Thankfully he'll never be PM.
  5. 2 likes
    A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but... Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it." The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1,000 an inch." The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision." The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?" "I have," says the man. "And what is the decision?" asks the doctor. "We're having granite worktops"
  6. 2 likes
    I'm not surprised Stormy Daniels got on so well with Donald Trump..... From what I've seen of her movies, she also likes to hire small contractors and then screw them for payment!
  7. 2 likes
    The band Massive Attack have had their 1998 album Mezzanine encoded as synthetic DNA and put into cans of spray paint. Big deal.... Just last week I got some of my DNA on the cover of the wife's Little Mix album!
  8. 2 likes
    The missus asked me to pray for her mothers cancer and to be fair, God answered my prayer..... She died!
  9. 2 likes
    Amateur! a screwdriver does the job just as good and easier to conceal - so I've been told.
  10. 2 likes
  11. 2 likes
    Hmm.. my grandad said you all had to share the same one!
  12. 2 likes
    I was standin next to this bloke in the changing room at my local gym yesterday when a mobile phone rings. He was getting dry so he puts it on loudspeaker. I thought straightaway wot a poser. MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the gym?" MAN: "Yes" WOMAN: "I am at the Metro Centre now and found this beautiful leather coat. It' s only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2018 models. I saw one I really liked." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "£90,000" MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000". MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!" MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
  13. 2 likes
    Never too early to see Christmas boobies.
  14. 2 likes
    I've just broken the british record for holding your breath underwater - 8 minutes 42 seconds... It all started when the teenage girl at the swimming pool shouted "That's him, Dad, over there!"
  15. 2 likes
    ...that and Holly Willabooby is one of the resenters!
  16. 2 likes
  17. 2 likes
    So I came home yesterday and my dog is laying on my porch covered in mud and has a rabbit in his mouth. He’s not bloody, just dirty. Now, my neighbors raise rabbits for exhibitions and have blue ribbon winners. I instantly knew it was one of theirs. So I got the rabbit away from my dog, took it inside, washed all the dirt off. Before my neighbors got home, I took it over, put him back in the cage and went back home. Not 30 minutes later I hear my neighbors screaming.... So I went outside and asked... What's wrong???? Playing it up innocently, etc..... They told me their rabbit died three days ago and they buried it but now it's back in the cage. I think they’re gonna move......
  18. 2 likes
    I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty. ‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. ‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments. She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked. I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her. She fainted.”
  19. 1 like
    Things it is only acceptable to say at Christmas time!!
  20. 1 like
    And these people are allowed to vote.
  21. 1 like
  22. 1 like
    Philosophical thought Experiment. "If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does the LGBTQIAPD community still get offended?"
  23. 1 like
    I can understand why Theresa May wants to delay the vote on Brexit in the Commons...... Who wants to move house just before Christmas!
  24. 1 like
    "I love these black tie do's" I said to the missus. "Just get ready for my mothers funeral will you, you sarcastic cunt, " she replied.
  25. 1 like
    I think they are hummingbirds... I noticed that little flash... but I just wish somebody would take her to one side and do something with her hair! Tell her to let it grow longer for a start... just imagine it draped over your thighs! "TISSUES for THRUSH!!"
  26. 1 like
    That comes under my operational area
  27. 1 like
    Our foreign driver didn't register that the road he was driving on, started getting narrower then it ended and became a field.
  28. 1 like
    Poster might be a little uncomfortable!!
  29. 1 like
    So apparently RSVPing back to a wedding invite 'maybe next time' isn't the correct response.
  30. 1 like
    How would you like one of these in your stocking...? I know this girl... and she is on my Facebook friends list. She posted this yesterday... I knew she had worked abroad but had no idea what she was doing until last year.
  31. 1 like
  32. 1 like
  33. 1 like
    It was unladen thankfully. All in a days work for the hardworking policeman traffic officers of Scotland.
  34. 1 like
    You're keen, we wouldn't attempt that in our cars, the load cell alarm would sound.
  35. 1 like
    No jobs too big for PC Thrush. (Driver followed his sat nav down a track and into a field where he got stuck).
  36. 1 like
    British PhD student Matthew Hedges has received a life sentence after all..... He's being returned to his wife!
  37. 1 like
    Understandably, the McCanns say that they are insulted by new speculation that Madeleine left the apartment by herself. After all, they are both doctors..... They know a dead kid when they've seen one!
  38. 1 like
    I've just been sentenced to life imprisonment in the UAE.... See you all next week!
  39. 1 like
    I'm certain cat's originate from Liverpool. They'll steal anything they like, lazy as fuck and sleep up to 18 hours a day, go and stay out all night, some of them are even house trained and will shit in a box in the corner, they'll bring battered or dead birds home with them and you never see one near a job centre! Oh, and they think they all have nine lives..... Or identities as they call them at DWP!
  40. 1 like
  41. 1 like
    I'd rather shove red hot knitting needles down my japs eye.
  42. 1 like
  43. 1 like
    And a general election when May jumps before she's pushed.
  44. 1 like
    If your missus ever says she wants to go somewhere that you don't want to, simply say "Oh yeah, that's where the really hot blonde works". Problem solved!
  45. 1 like
    Sorry, my keyboard has a sticky P In fact several keys require a really firm press to work!
  46. 1 like
  47. 1 like
    His three door motor could be a humvee
  48. 1 like
    Keen, don't knock it.
  49. 1 like
    Then again. You don't ask, you don't get
  50. 1 like
    A young Scottish lad and his lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently. Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss." The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. He blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle." The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. He blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg." The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time." "Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation. "Aye," said the lad, nodding. The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request. Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"