The Hawkster

"Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

4,541 posts in this topic

Hi all,

Thought I'd revive this old bugger!

Let's start off with a Golden One! :) PMPT, you can continue! :D

I love the commercial breaks on ITV. You can go and get a beer. From the refrigerator. At the filling station. In Inverness. New Zealand.

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and we want new ones youngun, no cutting and pasting from milforum. icon_wink.gif

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I'd do no such thing! icon_wink.gif

Am I cleared to deliver all the vulgarity, sexism, racism, and insensitivity that I can?

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I'll ban you if you don't

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Heathrow Airport was shut down today... Ethiopian Airlines flight fire?

Lots of potential flashpoints for a fire. The kitchen probably wasn't one of them! :D

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I'd do no such thing! icon_wink.gif

Am I cleared to deliver all the vulgarity, sexism, racism, and insensitivity that I can?

So you just going to make jokes about Canada eh?

Like Canadians have to design all their Halloween costumes to fit over a snow suit..................:D 

S

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A lady walks into Harrods, she looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well. Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods. He politely greets the lady with 'Good day, Madam, how may we help you today? Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of this lovely bracelet?' He answers, 'Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!' affraid.gif

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Do you know Selfridges get the right hump if you phone up and ask them if they Sell Fridges - allegedly

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PMPT, you can continue! :D

Cheers youngster, I've missed it! :D

I'd do no such thing! icon_wink.gif

Am I cleared to deliver all the vulgarity, sexism, racism, and insensitivity that I can?

Yes you are, no restrictions here. :D

***Note*** If you are easily offended, don't read from this point forth. icon_wink.gif

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My mate and I were fishing when he asked, "What's the best thing you've ever caught?"

I replied, "Probably my two daughters having sex."

1 person likes this

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My friend asked, "What's the secret to your happy marriage?"

I replied, "Chemistry. I'm on Valium and the wife's on Prozac."

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I asked the wife for anal sex last night.

Might as well, she takes everything else the wrong way.

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Even though Glee star Cory Montieth has been found dead in a hotel, remember fans of the show -

Don't stop, bereaving.

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What's the difference between George Zimmerman and Trayvon Martin? George Zimmerman dodged a bullet.

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My wife has just woken up from a coma and thinks its 2005.

Which is great news.

That's two years before I met her.

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When picking up girls for sex, I always go for the under-16s.

Anything over 16 stone does my back in.

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My wife said to me, "Can I ask you one question?"

"Yes." I replied.

She said, "Do you still love me?"

"That's two."

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I wish my girlfriend would shut the fuck up about having no room in the wardrobe.

The wife might find her.

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Odds on being next to pick up the ashes England 6/4 , Aussies 3/1, Winnie Mandela 1/3.

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Do you know Selfridges get the right hump if you phone up and ask them if they Sell Fridges - allegedly

 ha ha ha now the devil in me really wants to ring them now just to see what the response would be, but I shall refrain icon_evil.gif

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I was a bit upset when I overheard my wife telling her friend I'm useless in the bedroom department.

The wallpapering isn't that bad.

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"Is it just me.." said the wife earlier "..or are you getting a bit fat?"

"It's just you." I replied.

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My wife is complaining that she's too hot.

At least that's what I think the writing in the steam on the locked greenhouse window says?

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I don't think it's fair that Babestation are only allowed to show boobs late at night, but BBC Parliament are allowed to show cunts all day.

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Must be about 32C out there...

It's not the temperature, next doors 17 year old daughter is topless sunbathing in her garden.

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The media is full of shock over Britain's recent heatwave..

Or as we used to call it... 'Summer'.

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My six year old daughter's becoming a proper little madam.

She's opened a brothel in her wendy house.

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I groped a female colleague's tits for a laugh this morning and now she wants to take it further.

Looks like I'm getting laid.

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My wife put on her new outfit and asked me what I thought. I looked her in the eye and said "You look hot!"

Thank God for this heatwave

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I'm not racist.

Racism is a crime, and crime is for black people.

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My wife has just woken up from a coma and thinks its 2005.

Which is great news.

That's two years before I met her.

Watch out PMPT, Alan has just taken credit for this joke on Radio Cumbria. :D

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I invited him onto the forum - sent him the link and everything!

Not my fault he left that bit out!! :D 

Did he read out the bit about the queen unveiling a plaque we made?

I know he gave the Beer festival a plug!!

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My wife has just woken up from a coma and thinks its 2005.

Which is great news.

That's two years before I met her.

Watch out PMPT, Alan has just taken credit for this joke on Radio Cumbria. :D

The conniving bar-steward!!!

He did at least credit me for the joke, right? :D

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Nope he just said you were a huge bell end

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I didn't hear the full request, I was preoccupied. icon_wink.gif

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Nope he just said you were a huge bell end

Stardom at last ..........................

S

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I just enjoy insulting PMPT

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Nope he just said you were a huge bell end

Why were you listening to BBC Radio Cumbria?

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I didn't hear the full request, I was preoccupied.  icon_wink.gif

Any idea what sort of time it was on, I'll listen again on iPlayer. icon_wink.gif

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I just enjoy insulting PMPT

I enjoy returning fire. :D

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He wasn't, he's shit stirring. icon_wink.gif

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He wasn't, he's shit stirring. icon_wink.gif

For fuck sakes man, I know that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You of all people should understand my "humour" by now! 3048467126.gif

Turbo-Belm.jpg

I was "returning fire".

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In my defence, I've been awake 26 hours, just off to bed. icon_wink.gif

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In my defence, I've been awake 26 hours, just off to bed. icon_wink.gif

I find the defendant not guilty. icon_wink.gif

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I didn't hear the full request, I was preoccupied.  icon_wink.gif

You have Nankivell on while shagging your missus?? affraid.gif 

Mine makes me turn it off and give her my full attention! icon_cheers.png sleep.gif 

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I didn't hear the full request, I was preoccupied.  icon_wink.gif

Any idea what sort of time it was on, I'll listen again on iPlayer. icon_wink.gif

It must have been after 11.00pm, as I was still at work until 11.30 and I didn't hear it read out, just caught the tail end!

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I didn't hear the full request, I was preoccupied.  icon_wink.gif

You have Nankivell on while shagging your missus?? affraid.gif  

Err no, I was providing traffic management at the scene of a serious RTC prior to the full closure for collision investigation. icon_wink.gif

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I didn't hear the full request, I was preoccupied.  icon_wink.gif

Any idea what sort of time it was on, I'll listen again on iPlayer. icon_wink.gif

It must have been after 11.00pm, as I was still at work until 11.30 and I didn't hear it read out, just caught the tail end!

Cheers, I'll check it out.

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A postman died on his rounds after collapsing in the extreme heat.

Reports say he might have survived but the First Aider who found him unconscious, left a card saying 'Sorry you were out'.

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