The Hawkster

"Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

5,872 posts in this topic

It's a pity that the winner of the women's Ballon D'or can't twerk.....

She might get to draw a crowd for a change!

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Just bought myself a new advent calendar.....

It's a Liverpool themed one and comes with a little crowbar to help you open the window.

:fu: 

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Amateur! a screwdriver does the job just as good and easier to conceal - so I've been told. :sly: 

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Liverpool council finds 24 adult asylum seekers who are posing as children..... 

Liverpool staff fooled as they thought it normal for '13' year olds to have children.

:fu: 

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Short of petrol ? .                                                                

   A little girl asks her mum, "Mum, can I take the dog for a
walk around the block?"
Her mum replies, "No, because she is on heat."
"What does that mean?" asked the girl.
"Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes out to the and says, "Dad, can I take
Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she
said the dog was on heat and to ask you."
He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the
dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said,
"Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only
go one time around the block"'
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with
no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked "Where's Lulu?"
Oh Dad! You'll love this!!! ...
The little girl said "She ran out of petrol about halfway
round the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

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I'm off out on the town tonight and I'm definitely going to pull.....

When I get home!

 

:coat:

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The missus asked me to pray for her mothers cancer and to be fair, God answered my prayer.....

She died!

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The missus accused me of loving my dog more than I love her....

I told her maybe she should lick my cock when I smear it with peanut butter!

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The band Massive Attack have had their 1998 album Mezzanine encoded as synthetic DNA and put into cans of spray paint.

Big deal....

Just last week I got some of my DNA on the cover of the wife's Little Mix album!

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"I love these black tie do's" I said to the missus.

"Just get ready for my mothers funeral will you, you sarcastic cunt, " she replied.

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I can understand why Theresa May wants to delay the vote on Brexit in the Commons......

Who wants to move house just before Christmas!

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Philosophical thought Experiment.

"If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does the LGBTQIAPD community still get offended?"

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Looks like Theresa May's only hope of avoiding the 48 letter no-confidence threshold could be asking Diane Abbot to do a recount!

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"It's a lottery . . . " said the advert " . . . you could be drinking animal waste or parasites . . . for just £3.00 a month . . . "

Thanks but no thanks, I think I'm going to stick with Thunderball, it costs a bit more but the prizes sound a lot better!

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I'm not surprised Stormy Daniels got on so well with Donald Trump.....

From what I've seen of her movies, she also likes to hire small contractors and then screw them for payment!

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3 hours ago, Thrush said:

Philosophical thought Experiment.

"If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does the LGBTQIAPD community still get offended?"

I just inhaled my brew you fucker :lol!:

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Things it is only acceptable to say at Christmas time!!

 

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2 hours ago, The REAL Alan Marsh said:

Things it is only acceptable to say at Christmas time!!

 

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Cheers. That's my Christmas dinner with the witch in law sorted. :im_020:

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A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...
Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your
willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9,000 in insurance
compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing
is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1,000 an inch."

The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how
many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your
wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a
nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one
before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might
be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."

The man agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken
with your wife?"

"I have," says the man.

"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're having granite worktops"

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I'm posting this here because it really is one to laugh at!!

Corbyn is calling for Theresa May to resign because because of the result of the no confidence vote by the Tories which she WON by 200 to 117.

Corbyn refused to resign when he LOST his no confidence vote by 172 to 40!!

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-36647458

That's got to be good for a laugh!!

:lol!:

 

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On 14/12/2018 at 02:42, The REAL Alan Marsh said:

I'm posting this here because it really is one to laugh at!!

Corbyn is calling for Theresa May to resign because because of the result of the no confidence vote by the Tories which she WON by 200 to 117.

Corbyn refused to resign when he LOST his no confidence vote by 172 to 40!!

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-36647458

That's got to be good for a laugh!!

:lol!:

That's Corbyn for you, a hypocrite.

Thankfully he'll never be PM. 

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