The Hawkster

"Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

6,643 posts in this topic

City fans Monday morning at work: "We fucking beat the scousers, their year, hahaha"

Liverpool fans Monday morning at wor... Oh never mind.

:fu: 

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My Scouse girlfriend wants to give our first child a name that will shape his destiny......

So I've suggested Robin.

:fu: 

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4 hours ago, Thrush said:

City fans Monday morning at work: "We fucking beat the scousers, their year, hahaha"

Liverpool fans Monday morning at wor... Oh never mind.

:fu: 

I was at work. :fu:

 

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2 hours ago, BossHogg said:

I was at work. :fu:

:28:

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Working fucking hard too! I was down near Preston, I've covered nearly a thousand miles in three shifts! :yikes:

 

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12 hours ago, BossHogg said:

Working fucking hard too! I was down near Preston, I've covered nearly a thousand miles in three shifts! :yikes:

It's about time you got your finger out of your arse and did some work for a change. :im_020:

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There must be something in the water, the last two sets of six have been fucking manic! :yikes:

 

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1 hour ago, BossHogg said:

There must be something in the water, the last two sets of six have been fucking manic! :yikes:

Nothing makes me happier knowing you're busy. :im_020:

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Very busy!!!

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3 minutes ago, BossHogg said:

Very busy!!!

Or just busy....you're just not used to it. :raz: 

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A bloke went into Sports Direct on Tuesday and asked for some condoms and KY jelly.

"We are a sports shop." said the assistant.

On Wednesday he asked for a dual action 12 inch black dildo, on Thursday, some anal beads and a gimp mask, on Friday some love eggs and a whip. Always with the same reply from the shop assistant.

Saturday as he walked in the assistant took him to one side and said "Mate, you keep coming in and it's getting embarrassing you know we are a sports shop, what the fuck do you really want?".

He summoned up all his courage took a deep breath and said.......

"Can I have a Liverpool home shirt please."

:fu: 

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The missus said she would love to go back to the 1960's to see what it would be like......

So I took her to West Cumbria for the day.

:fu: 

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Did she enjoy Rowrah and Cleator Moor, they're the only spots that haven't reached the 21st century yet! ;)

 

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1 hour ago, BossHogg said:

Did she enjoy Rowrah and Cleator Moor, they're the only spots that haven't reached the 21st century yet! ;)

...and Frizington?  :confused:

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A Dumfries virgin is any girl that can run faster than her dad!  :blink:

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1 hour ago, BossHogg said:

Did she enjoy Rowrah and Cleator Moor, they're the only spots that haven't reached the 21st century yet! ;)

 

Didn't stay long enough to check them out. :im_020:

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15 minutes ago, The REAL Alan Marsh said:

A Dumfries virgin is any girl that can run faster than her dad!  :blink:

:28:

Yes most of the Dumfries population are related but they only shag their cousins. :im_020:

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4 hours ago, Thrush said:

:28:

Yes most of the Dumfries population are related but they only shag their cousins. :im_020:

But their cousins are their dads! 

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5 hours ago, Thrush said:

Didn't stay long enough to check them out. :im_020:

I tend to drive through with the doors locked and the windows wound up! :D 

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5 minutes ago, BossHogg said:

I tend to drive through with the doors locked and the windows wound up! :D 

And you're a local. :lol!: 

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59 minutes ago, snafu said:

But their cousins are their dads! 

It's their Auntie Jackie's sisters brother. 

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1 hour ago, Thrush said:

And you're a local. :lol!: 

Nope, I'm an incomer! ;) 

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7 minutes ago, BossHogg said:

Nope, I'm an incomer! ;) 

Refugee. :im_020:

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Apt that in the UK, a Trump is foul hot air that is emitted by an arsehole....

And that in the U.S.A, Johnson is slang for a penis!

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What's the difference between a Brussels sprout and a big hairy ginger fanny?

If you really really fucking had to, you would eat a Brussels sprout.

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On our 50th wedding anniversary my wife said, "Come on, I want you to do what you did on our wedding day. "

"I'd love to my dear, " I replied, " but I think that bridesmaid died last year. "

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A penis has a sad life....

His hair is a mess

His family is nuts

His neighbour is an arsehole

His best friend is a pussy

And his owner beats him

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The casting call for Milka chocolate specified it wanted 'no children over 4ft 4ins', 'no red hair', 'no overweight children', 'she must NOT have reached puberty' and she must be 'beautiful and angelic'.

Easier to just say no Scouse children need apply!

:fu: 

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1 minute ago, Thrush said:

The casting call for Milka chocolate specified it wanted 'no children over 4ft 4ins', 'no red hair', 'no overweight children', 'she must NOT have reached puberty' and she must be 'beautiful and angelic'.

Call J Saville casting for an audition. 

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A guy walks into a bar
.
He orders a rum and coke and the barman hands him a Apple.
I wanted a rum and coke said the man.
Bar man replies 'try it'
The guy tries the apple and says god, that tastes like rum
.
The Barman says 'turn it around'
The guy takes a bite and it tastes like coke and then says god, that really good.
.
A Second guy walks into a bar
.
He orders a gin and tonic and the barman hands him a Apple.
I wanted a gin and tonic said the man.
Bar man replies 'try it'
The guy tries the apple and says god, that tastes like gin
.
The Barman says 'turn it around'
The guy takes a bite and it tastes like tonic and then says god, that really good.

A dwarf walks into a bar

The two men tell the dwarf that the barman has an apple for every flavour possible.
.
Really says the dwarf. After a little thought, being clever the dwarf ask for an apple that tastes like pussy
.
The barman hands him a Apple. 
Surprised, the dwarf takes a large bite out of the apple
As soon as he tastes the flavour, he spites the out apple and says, god, that Tastes like shit.

The barman replies, 'Turn it around'

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I was chatting to a pretty blonde in the pub, "Would you sleep with me if I offered you two million pounds?"

 She thought for a moment and said, "Yes, I suppose I would."

"How about for twenty quid?" I asked

"What kind of woman do you think I am?" she snarled.

"We've already established that," I replied, "now we're just haggling over the price!"

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Experience life living in the slums by visiting Liverpool for the day!

:fu: 

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Save petrol by visiting Whitehaven instead. ;)

 

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42 minutes ago, BossHogg said:

Save petrol by visiting Whitehaven instead. ;)

 

Been there, done that. :im_020:

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While watching the Sydney stabbing frenzy, did you notice all of the strong, independent, fearless, females stepping up and putting their lives on the line to help stop the knife wielding maniac?

No. Me neither.

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Aldi might be cheaper, but at least Tescos don't use false advertising in their commercials.....

A lesbian couple that doesn't include a butch dyke with a face like a bulldog licking piss off a thistle? Bollocks.

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The wife burst in on me having sex

"How could you do this to me with my sister?!"

I said "It's not what it looks like!"

She said "How the fuck isn't it?!"

I said "It's actually your mother in a school uniform".

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What’s the difference between a snarling Rottweiler biting your leg to the bone and my wife complaining about me chatting up the barmaid at our local?

The Rottweiler will eventually let it go.

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An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.
'Fucking get in there you cunt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar. 'Get the fucking manager of this pigs shit middle class wankhole please you cunt', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says
'Yes you can you fat piece of shit, I saw your poxy advert in the cunting window and I'm here to audition.....wanker.'
The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?' 'That song, you big nosed twat, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I just jizzed in your daughter's eye, and now the cunts blind...'
'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little less "lively".
'Wanker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title. 'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the shitbox you get crap on your bell end.'
'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?' 'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your ringpiece", or there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs".
'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.'
'Fuck it' says the pianist 'Why not'.
On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being perceived as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act. After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him. 'Hi' she says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your cock is hanging out of your trousers, and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?'
'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently, 'I fucking wrote it!!!

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Women hate sexist, judgemental, mysoginistic men apparently...

Maybe that's why most of them on dating sites need a 6ft guy with muscles and lots of money...you know, to protect them from those kinds.

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My son finally had enough of me constantly humiliating him for being gay and taking ballet.

He said, "You're such a hypocrite, you even had a boyfriend yourself for 2 years !"

"Prison doesn't count."

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Leading causes of death, by ethnicity:

Americans - Heart disease.

Africans - Diarrhoeal disease.

Asians - Cancer.

British - Falling from hotel balconies whilst on holiday in Spain.

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I got home pissed again last night.

"What's your excuse this time?" demanded my wife.

"I was drowning my sorrows," I slurred. "because I'm a manual labourer, living on a run-down Liverpool council estate, with no hope and nothing to live for."

"Right," she said. "You're sleeping on the sofa tonight."

Great. Another night in the front garden!

:fu: 

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