The Hawkster

"Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

4,541 posts in this topic

The Russian Maid asked for a pay rise. The wife was very worried about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked, “Now Anna; why do you want more pay?”

Anna: “Well, Ma’am, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze. The first reason is that I am cleaning better than you.”

Wife: “Who said you are cleaning better than me?”

Anna: “Your husband he say so.”

Wife: “Really?”

Anna: “The second reason is that I am better cook than you.”

Wife: “Don’t talk nonsense !, Who said you were a better cook than me?”

Anna: “Your husband said.”

Wife, increasingly angry cried: “Oh he did, did he?”

Anna: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.”

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “And did my husband say that as well?”

Anna: “No Ma’am, the gardener did.”

 

Wife: “So how much do you want?”

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What do Butlins and Liverpool FC have in common?

Both of their seasons end in September.

:fu: 

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Plenty of time left yet. ;) 

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The Queen and the Donald
 
 
Donald Trump went to London and met with the Queen.
 
"Your Queenship, “ he asked her. “I am finding things way more difficult than I could have imagined. May I ask you - how do you run such an efficient government?  Are there any tips you can give me?” 
 
“Well," replied Her Majesty, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
 
Trump frowned.
 
"But how do you know the people around you are really intelligent?" he asked.
 
"Oh, that's easy” the Queen replied. “You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle”.
 
She pushed a button on her intercom. “Please send Theresa May in here."
 
The Prime Minister walked into the room.
 
“You called for me, Your Majesty?"
 
"Answer me this, if you would, Theresa. “ the Queen said. “Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother  and it is not your sister. Who is it?” 
 
Without pausing for even a second, Theresa May answered, “That would be me."
 
"Yes! Very good,” said the Queen.
 
Trump went back home, returned to the White House and the very next day called for Mike Pence to come and see him.
 
Pence duly trotted in to the Oval Office
 
“Mike, answer this for me,’ said the Don. “Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?” 
 
"I'm not sure," said Pence. “Let me get back to you on that one.
 
Pence went panicking off to his advisers and asked everyone, but none of them could give him an answer. 
 
The next night, as it happened, Pence ran in to Hillary Clinton in a restaurant. By now, desperate for an answer to give to his tyrannical boss, he approached her – much to her surprise.
 
  “Hillary, I know we haven’t always seen eye to eye but I would really appreciate it if you could answer this riddle for me
 
“Sure, Mike “Hillary said. “I’m not one to hold a grudge. What is it?”
 
“Thanks,” said Pence,” It’s this.  Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?” 
 
Hillary answered right back, “That's easy, it's me!"
 
Pence smiled,  “Thanks!"
 
Pence then went back to speak with Trump. "Say, boss, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle.  It’s  Hillary Clinton.”
 
Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled at him. "No, you idiot! It’s Theresa May!"
 
... AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON AT THE WHITE HOUSE.

:lol:

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Why does it say on a tin of fly spray "Do not spray near eyes".
Surely nobody is that precise with a spray can... you're just going to spray the whole fucking fly!!

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A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.  Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties.

The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water.  Would you like to buy a tie? They are  only $5."

The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel!  I do not need such an over-priced western adornment - I spit on your ties.  I need water!”

"Sorry, I have none - just ties - pure silk - and only $5."

"Pahh!  A curse on your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you, but I must conserve my energy and find water!"

"Okay," said the little old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me or that you hate me,  threaten my life and call me infidel.  I will show you that I am bigger than any of that.  If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need...Go In Peace!

Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead and gasped, "They won't let me in without a tie!”

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If anyone is interested, I am thinking of starting an OCD support group.
We would meet at our house once a week.
I don't know the first thing about OCD other than what I have gleaned from watching "Big Bang Theory", but I'm hoping that somebody will be bound to get the urge to start cleaning and tidying our house while I make them cups of tea!!

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Went out last night and got rather drunk. Somebody nicked my shoes.
Been at the Police Station all morning looking through their brogues' gallery.

I phoned my wife and told her I'd woken up in the USA. 

"Oh my god," she said. "What state are you in?" 

I replied, "Drunk."

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I bought a new deodorant today. It doesn't just mask the sweaty odour, it makes you invisible so that people wonder where the hell the smell is coming from!!

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I was in a pub last night and a woman from the bar shouted "does anyone know CPR?"

I replied " bloody hell, I know the whole alphabet"
Everybody laughed...
Well, everybody apart from this one guy.....

I Don't think the wife loves me anymore, I asked her what she wanted for Christmas, and she told me a Widows Pension would be nice..

 

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wife says to her husband you dont take me to anywhere expensive anymore,So he says get your coat on,Wife says where we going?...Fucking petrol station ! lol

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This man fell in to a printing press last week. You must have heard about it, he was all over the newspapers the next day.

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Iceman was hoping to buy an igloo on a frozen lake in the north of Sweden.

Sadly the sun came out and it all fell through.

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The wife said "You drink far to much whisky"
Which came as a shock .I didn't know I had a wife ...!!!

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Me and the wife went up to the Ryanair check-in desk. The clerk said, "Do you have reservations?" I replied "Yes, but we're flying with you anyway!"

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What do you do if you see a Scotsman Approaching?

Quick Mary, hide the sheep!

Welcome him with open arms

Run away

Fart out loud and head for cover

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3 minutes ago, Ice man said:

Welcome him with open arms

:iagree:

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15 hours ago, Thrush said:

:iagree:

Yes, but he will regret it later.....because it's a trap 

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A  plane was shot down over Iraq and Saddam Hussain captured a Scotsman,an Englishman and an Australian. Saddam says "I'm not as cruel as George Bush says I am You will be given 50 lashes each but you can have whatever you want on your back"
The Australian goes first and asks for the finest Kangaroo hide there is to cover his back. This is granted and he receives the kangaroo hide before he receives 50 lashes. His back is all torn and bleeding but he survives.
The Englishman says "I will take it as it comes I will have nothing on my back and will be proud to bear the scars" he shouts defiantly"Stiff upper lip you know eh what" His wish is granted and he receives his 50 lashes, his back torn and bleeding, his ribs fractured and protruding, a terrible mess to behold.
"Now Jock It's your turn you have the same choice as the other two what would you like on your back" says Saddam. 
Jock replies quickly and without hesitation "I'll have the Englishman"

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Michael Kevin O'Leary, CEO of Ryanair, has just bought a baseball cap to cover his receding 'airline.

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The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.

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On 22/08/2017 at 14:56, The REAL Alan Marsh said:

What do a dwarf and a midget have in common?

Very little!

Sweets, (Dwarf Beans look like Jelly Beans) and Midget Gems

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HUSBAND: Darling, if I lost my sight, would you be my eyes for me?
WIFE: Of course I would sweetheart.
HUSBAND: If I lost my hearing, would you be my ears?
WIFE: Absolutely honey.
HUSBAND: If I lost my legs would you push me in a wheelchair?
WIFE: You don't need to ask. Why all the questions?
HUSBAND: I just sprained my wrist.....

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Chris Eubank has written a book about ethics. If it's a success, his next book will be about Kent.

FB_IMG_1507162299861.jpg

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My mate has just discovered that he's dyslexic, and gay?

He's still in daniel.!!

 

 

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I told the bank manager I want to open a joint account. He said "Who with ?" 

I said "somebody with a lot of money" !

 

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Please BE WARNED! Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam whilst out shopping.
Simply dropping into Sainsbury's supermarket for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends! Here's how the scam works:
Two very good-looking 20-21 year-old girls of eastern European origin come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T- shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead they ask you for a lift to another supermarket, in my case, Tesco. You agree and they both get in the back seat.
On the way there, they start undressing, until both are completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!
I had my wallet stolen on October 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. Also on November 1st, 4th, 6th, 9th and 10th and twice yesterday.So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam.
The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the afternoon.
P.S. Aldi have cheap wallets on sale for £1.99 each but Lidl wallets are £1.75 and look better!!
Happy Shopping!

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Dog Walkers. Worst crisp flavour. Ever.

 

Me mate has a nasty fungal foot infection. God
I'd hate to be in his shoes!!

 

My old man would never go down without a fight.

That's why I'd never get in a lift with him.

 

Spent 3 hours tending to the Mother-in-Law's grave this morning, she still thinks it's going to be a pond....

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Stolen from Str8lolly!

 

The Doctor asks: “What’s the problem?”

The woman says: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. On these days my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. He scares me.”

The Doctor says: “I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and do not swallow water until your husband leaves the room or calms down.”

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the hospital to see the doctor looking fresh and happy.

The woman says: “Doctor that was a wonderful idea! Every time my husband started losing his temper, I swished with water and did not swallowed ,he calmed right down in a few minutes! How does a glass of water do that?”

The Doctor says: “The water itself does nothing. It’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick.

 

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Why can't Miss Piggy count up to 70?

Because every time she reaches 69 she gets a frog in her throat.

:)

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People told me that I look like my mother.

So I shaved off my moustache.

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I was awake most of last night trying to remember if I have insomnia or amnesia....

 

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The mrs said I needed to get more in touch with my feminine side. So I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and completely ignored her all night for no apparent reason.

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My Grandad is a bit senile and he keeps knocking on his own front door.  Then he goes round the back and into the house to answer it.  I don't think he realises what he's letting himself in for....

:lol!:

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A parachutists halted a football match when he landed on the centre circle.
The ref booked him for....... descent.

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We have remote weather monitoring stations dotted along the motorway. The operator came over the air, "control to patrol 2, wind speed is registering at 68mph in your area, what are the conditions like?" There was a short pause and the patrol answered, "windy!" :D 

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What the Marines really means

My
Ass
Really
Is
Navy 
Equipment
Sir

 

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On 19/10/2017 at 21:57, Ice man said:

What the Marines really means

My
Ass
Really
Is
Navy 
Equipment
Sir

 

Wrong. The Navy needs the Marines, not the other way round. :fu: 

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1 hour ago, Thrush said:

Wrong. The Navy needs the Marines, not the other way round. :fu: 

For what? Similar as the RAF needs the RAF Regiment? 

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5 minutes ago, Ice man said:

For what? Similar as the RAF needs the RAF Regiment? 

The Marines do the amphibious stuff. You wouldn't understand. :fu: 

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I admitted to my wife that I was a fan of Beyoncé. 
She took it well, and sneered 'Whatever floats your boat'
I said 'no that's buoyancy'.

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