Jokes.

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The Real Alan Marsh
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Re: Jokes.

Post by The Real Alan Marsh »

Men, if your relationship breaks down due to the strain of lockdown, and your wife is going to leave you, try your best to make sure she leaves at 20:00 on a Thursday.

That way it will look as though your entire neighbourhood hates her as well.

The Real Alan Marsh
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Re: Jokes.

Post by The Real Alan Marsh »

Magic Sandals
A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the Market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You Foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop..'
So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be Interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.
The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'
The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants,
and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.
The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

The Real Alan Marsh
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Re: Jokes.

Post by The Real Alan Marsh »

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.

A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

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BossHogg
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Re: Jokes.

Post by BossHogg »

👍
Exemplo Ducemus

The Real Alan Marsh
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Re: Jokes.

Post by The Real Alan Marsh »

The center for disease control have been monitoring popular music with a view to improving responses to the coronavirus and this was their findings...

NEIL DIAMOND: touching hands
CDC: no don’t touch hands
NEIL DIAMOND: reaching out
CDC: please avoid that
NEIL DIAMOND: TOUCHING YOU-
CDC: everyone is Boston is doomed

STING: Don't stand
Don't stand so
Don't stand so close to me
CDC: Now you're talkin

STING: Every breath you take, every step you make...
CDC: Yes, we will be watching you.

Proclaimers:
But I would walk 500 miles
and I would walk 500 more
just to be the man who walks a thousand miles
to fall down at your door
CDC: Please... quarantine in place

MC Hammer: You can't touch this
CDC: Not without proper sterilization and washing hands

JIM MORRISON: COME ON, COME ON, COME ON NOW TOUCH ME, BABY!
CDC: That is not advised.
JIM MORRISON: CAN'T YOU SEE THAT I AM NOT AFRAID?
CDC: Immaterial.

Phil Collins: Shes seems to have an invisible touch
CDC: get her into quarantine immediately!

Pink Floyd: HEY YOU
CDC: oh hell
Pink Floyd: out there on your own
CDC: ok, self quarantined, not so bad
Pink Floyd: sitting naked by the phone WOULD YOU TOUCH ME
CDC: god damnit

EXILE: I want to kiss you all over
CDC: Absolutely not.
EXILE: and over again.
CDC: GOTTDAMNIT!!

Alanis: Cause I got one hand in my pocket.
CDC: Make sure it's sanitized.
Alanis: And the other one is giving a high five.
CDC: That's it. I quit!

MILEY: "It's a Party in the USA!"
CDC: "You really should avoid large gatherings."
MILEY: "My tummy's turnin' and I'm feelin' kinda home sick!"
CDC: "See! What did I tell you?"

Bon Jovi: You're love is like bad medicine.
CDC: We're actually still finding the cure.
Bon Jovi: Bad medicine is what I need.
CDC: It most certainly is not.

BEATLES: Yeah you, got that something, I think you'll understand
CDC: It's Covid-19
BEATLES: I wanna hold your hand
CDC: Not advisable
BEATLES: I wanna hold your hand
CDC: NO!!

Eddie Money: Take me home tonight!
CDC: NO!

Foreigner: “I’M HOT-BLOODED! Check it and see.”
CDC: “Well, yes, we do advise constant monitoring of body temperature
Foreigner: “I’VE GOT A FEVER OF A HUNDRED AND THREE!”
CDC: “Dear God. Why are you still singing? Can we get an ambulance here? Right away?”

Robert Palmer: Doctor, doctor, give me the news. I've got.a bad case
CDC: Oh no...
Palmer: Of loving you
CDC: *sigh of relief*

The Real Alan Marsh
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Re: Jokes.

Post by The Real Alan Marsh »

A nun is standing outside a pub in Ireland... Paddy walks up to the door and is about to go in, when the nun says to him, "BEFORE YOU ENTER THIS DEN OF INIQUITY, THINK OF YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR FATHER!" Paddy replies, "They're dead, they're dead and in heaven" The nun now tries a different approach and says. "Then think of the damage the alcohol will do to your brain!" "What?” says Paddy, “What are you talking about? Have you ever had a drink?" And the nun says she hasn’t. "Well how can you stand there and talk about the damage the alcohol is going to do to my brain if you have never tried it? I’ll tell you what; I'll go in there, buy you a drink, bring it out here, you can try it and if you don't like it, THEN you can criticise it. But don't talk about things you've never experienced. What will you have?" And the nun says, "I don't know, what do ladies drink?" "Gin," says Paddy, and the nun replies, "Alright, I'll have a gin. But get it in a cup so that everybody will think I’m drinking water." Paddy goes into the bar and says to the barman, "I’ll have a pint of Guinness please and – I know it sounds a bit strange – but could I have a double gin in a cup. And the barman replies, "Ah for Christ's sake, is that bloody nun out there again!!?"

The Real Alan Marsh
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Re: Jokes.

Post by The Real Alan Marsh »

An American is visiting the Natural History Museum in Dublin and he walks into the room where there is a huge dinosaur fossil. He is totally fascinated by its size, and after walking all the way around it says to the attendant, “Gee, that is one hell of a creature! Where was it found?” The Irish attendant replies, “It was not found in this country, but somewhere in the middle of Africa.” “And how old is it?” asks the American. “That dinosaur, sir,” says the attendant, “is 65 million years old and seven months!” “How can you measure its age so accurately?” asks the American tourist. “Well, Sir,” replies the attendant, “when I started working here it was 65 million years old – and I have been here since October”

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Re: Jokes.

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😆😆😆
Exemplo Ducemus

The Real Alan Marsh
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Re: Jokes.

Post by The Real Alan Marsh »

So if I understand the latest government guidelines correctly...
Two people from the same household :roll: can have sex in the garden, while having a barbecue, while 4 people from another family can watch. :shock:
But two people from different families having sex would be illegal. :eek:
That's going to put a dampener on some of the parties around here!! :roll: :mrgreen:
Not sure if face coverings have to be worn... or is that just on public transport?

snafu
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Re: Jokes.

Post by snafu »

The Real Alan Marsh wrote:
Sun Jun 07, 2020 1:18 am
So if I understand the latest government guidelines correctly...
Two people from the same household :roll: can have sex in the garden, while having a barbecue, while 4 people from another family can watch. :shock:
But two people from different families having sex would be illegal. :eek:
That's going to put a dampener on some of the parties around here!! :roll: :mrgreen:
Not sure if face coverings have to be worn... or is that just on public transport?
I thought round your way most people having sex were from the same family anyway :twist:

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